hello all. i think i'll be leaving the blog world for now. i may be back when life is more normal. but for now... i've gotten to a bridge where i have nothing left to write with out giving details i don't wish to give.

please continue to pray for me and my family. all are welcome to email me for updates.

goodbye for now.

thank you again. your comments and emails are such wonderful things to look forward to. i can't tell you how encouraging it is to receive kind words, scripture, prayers, and offers of help.

this morning i was caught off guard by something that broke open my emotions. i couldn't help tears splashing down my cheeks. emerson saw and said, "mommy, you sad?" and i said, "yes honey. mommy's sad. but it's okay. i love you and i'm okay." he stood staring at me with a look of helplessness on his sweet little face. he then turned and ran to get something and came back with a winnie-the-pooh band-aid which he peeled and put on my knee. "there mommy. you need band-aid. you happy now?" oh sweet emerson. if it were only that easy. but in some strange way... a band-aid from my baby did make the pain fade and the moment seemed so precious and sacred that all i could do was feel the love and blessedness of my life.

it's hard because i don't want emerson to feel like he is responsible to deal with my sadness. i never want him to feel the weight of having to take care of my emotions. but there are just some times that my emotions can't be hidden and his sweet little heart is so kind and loving.

it must be a very insecure thing to see your mommy cry. i don't let it happen very often in front of him. but in the moments that it does happen... i'm working on teaching him that it's still safe and that he doesn't have to fix it. we've been talking a lot about how everyone is sad sometimes and it's okay to cry when we're sad and we won't stay sad forever.

emerson is such a kind little boy.

he still opens his arms wide every night and says... "comeer mommy."

the pain is so deep tonight. i am exhausted but putting off going to bed because those can be the hardest moments... when everything is quiet and dark and still and you are alone with your thoughts.

please pray for me.

pray for dreams from God to light my sleep.

i am so broken. and yet stronger than i've ever been in my life. in your weakness he is made strong. scripture turns out to be true in the most profound ways.

well... here's to an attempt to pull back the sheets and brave this jungle of thoughts inside my head. goodnight

spent the weekend at my parent's house. it's so wonderful to have a haven to retreat to every now and then. although sometimes going there ends up more painful because i walk in the door and the safety of being there brings everything to the surface. it's as if i walk in the door, say hello and then crash because there is someone to catch me and protect emerson from my unraveling.

i suppose it's good for me to be able to do that every now and then... but sometimes just having to hold it together is good too.

anyhow... i was changing emerson's diaper this week and as i was lifting his legs up to slide the new diaper under him, he let out a little gas. i looked at him surpised and laughed to which he responded... "i had a burp on my bottom!" thank God for emerson and the joy he brings to my life.

i am also starting to get really excited for this new little boy (who, it has been decided, will be named julian). anyway... julian will be here in about two months. not soon enough for me. i have started sorting everything out... getting out all the baby clothes, wiping down the baby equipment, etc... a few people are coming to help me put together the crib and new dresser that the dellesky's so graciously picked up for me at ikea. thank you delleskys. and in no time we will be all ready. it's a wonderful thing to focus on.

i must confess that i'm a little nervous moving into a post-partum period with so much depression and sadness weighing on me anyway... i am nervous about emerson's adjustment when i already feel like my emotional reserves are thread bare and now i'll have two people picking at them. still... at the very basis of all of it... i believe that this little boy has been planned for much longer than i knew he existed and that he will be a messenger of joy and peace for both emerson and i.
for that reason i think his middle name will be asher. it means happiness. and asher in the bible was a child over whom God promised abundant and blessed life. it is my way of marking the things i feel God has promised to me before they have come to pass.

lying here watching my belly twist and turn. trying to connect with this sweet little guy inside of me. i can't wait to meet him. i know seeing his face for the first time will bring a much needed moment of joy to my heart. i wish the day would come sooner. eleven weeks... and probably ten if you consider emerson was a week early.

feeling pretty depressed today. trying to cling to the thousands of reasons i have to be thankful. i really do have so much. so many people who love me and are here for me. lately emerson and i will be driving in the car and he'll suddenly say... "our have lots of friends mommy... right?" he's right.

but still... today is just one of those days i want to escape. but where? i know in my heart that my lack of ability to escape is what will save me in the long run. there is no trial that doesn't hold in it some possibility of treasure. and were i to escape i would miss what is being refined in me. and ultimately i would miss out on the greater joy. a counselor i am seeing has said to me repeatedly... "it's your choice... you can come out of this a bag of bones or you can come out of this an incredibly strong woman." not much of a choice there if you ask me.

when i pray... the two things i feel sure of are these...God will protect me and God will restore joy to me. i believe that if i press on i will see that these things are more true than i even expect in my best moments. though God has always allowed me pain... he has always been extravagant in it's redemption.

still... my greif is so deep today. there is no way to the other side of this pain than to trudge through it moment by moment. i confess, i'm sort of searching the skys for an emergency airlift. but i don't think it's coming. i guess i'll just have to keep lifting one foot after the other until i'm through. here goes.

thank you to all of you again. i can feel your prayers and they are not in vain. i am being carried by their power. i deeply believe this. please don't stop praying.

i may not respond to each and every one of you individually... but know that every comment and email is deeply appreciated and encouraging.

emerson brings so much joy to my life. in the beginning of this trial... i must admit that he felt like a weight. something in the way of me staying in bed all day and nursing my wounds. but God is smart... i might not have had impetus enough to recover were it not for him. and now i find that every day even in the midst of grief, emerson brings light and breeze.

last night when i got into bed to lay down with him, he opened his arms wide and said... "come here mama." he then embraced me and said... "sooooo much!" and squeezed the sadness out of me. he repeated..."me love you so much." i love that boy.

i am also in awe of my god. he is so good to me. he sustains me. there have been many a night where he was the one to say... "come here chelsea.".... and wrap his arms around me repeating... "so much!" i don't ever want to let him go. but i'm strangely aware that it depends much more on him never wanting to let me go. please hold on tight to me Jesus.

new photo posts. (lots)

vascilating between incredible sorrow and deep peace. there are some moments where it feels like i could cry and never stop and then other moments where i can almost feel God's breathe as he whispers hope in my ear. why is it that trials tend to make me more and more certain that God is good?

Because he is always so gentle and kind to me in the midst of them. there is no way i should be functioning now but i am. and i'm functioning pretty darn well. and i can only chalk it up to a supernatural strength present in me. a supernatural strength i never seem to access until i will die without it.

still... i hope that God feels that this character builder will last me a good long while.... like maybe the rest of my life. i can safely say that i will be a different, (better, i am sure) woman from here on out.

last night i woke at about 1:00am and felt compelled to pray... which i did. i sensed the Lord promising a time of rest.

for weeks when i've prayed i have sensed the Lord saying that i needed to know that things would get worse. each time i would cringe and say ..."but Lord, no. please... i won't make it." but each time i did. his grace really is sufficient. but now i sense that maybe he's going to let me catch my breath. doesn't the scripture say we won't be crushed... that we will be more than conquerors. not only will we have victory but we will have more than victory. we will emerge having won the battle but gained so much through it.

i've gained so much. the scales still seem tilted towards the side of loss but i trust they won't always. the side of gain is steadily being weighted down.

so.... hopefully my sense of impending rest is not just wishful thinking... pray that God would bolster my sense of his goodness and my ability to live in peace no matter what may transpire. and then pray that what transpires is restoration.