lying here watching my belly twist and turn. trying to connect with this sweet little guy inside of me. i can't wait to meet him. i know seeing his face for the first time will bring a much needed moment of joy to my heart. i wish the day would come sooner. eleven weeks... and probably ten if you consider emerson was a week early.

feeling pretty depressed today. trying to cling to the thousands of reasons i have to be thankful. i really do have so much. so many people who love me and are here for me. lately emerson and i will be driving in the car and he'll suddenly say... "our have lots of friends mommy... right?" he's right.

but still... today is just one of those days i want to escape. but where? i know in my heart that my lack of ability to escape is what will save me in the long run. there is no trial that doesn't hold in it some possibility of treasure. and were i to escape i would miss what is being refined in me. and ultimately i would miss out on the greater joy. a counselor i am seeing has said to me repeatedly... "it's your choice... you can come out of this a bag of bones or you can come out of this an incredibly strong woman." not much of a choice there if you ask me.

when i pray... the two things i feel sure of are these...God will protect me and God will restore joy to me. i believe that if i press on i will see that these things are more true than i even expect in my best moments. though God has always allowed me pain... he has always been extravagant in it's redemption.

still... my greif is so deep today. there is no way to the other side of this pain than to trudge through it moment by moment. i confess, i'm sort of searching the skys for an emergency airlift. but i don't think it's coming. i guess i'll just have to keep lifting one foot after the other until i'm through. here goes.