vascilating between incredible sorrow and deep peace. there are some moments where it feels like i could cry and never stop and then other moments where i can almost feel God's breathe as he whispers hope in my ear. why is it that trials tend to make me more and more certain that God is good?

Because he is always so gentle and kind to me in the midst of them. there is no way i should be functioning now but i am. and i'm functioning pretty darn well. and i can only chalk it up to a supernatural strength present in me. a supernatural strength i never seem to access until i will die without it.

still... i hope that God feels that this character builder will last me a good long while.... like maybe the rest of my life. i can safely say that i will be a different, (better, i am sure) woman from here on out.

last night i woke at about 1:00am and felt compelled to pray... which i did. i sensed the Lord promising a time of rest.

for weeks when i've prayed i have sensed the Lord saying that i needed to know that things would get worse. each time i would cringe and say ..."but Lord, no. please... i won't make it." but each time i did. his grace really is sufficient. but now i sense that maybe he's going to let me catch my breath. doesn't the scripture say we won't be crushed... that we will be more than conquerors. not only will we have victory but we will have more than victory. we will emerge having won the battle but gained so much through it.

i've gained so much. the scales still seem tilted towards the side of loss but i trust they won't always. the side of gain is steadily being weighted down.

so.... hopefully my sense of impending rest is not just wishful thinking... pray that God would bolster my sense of his goodness and my ability to live in peace no matter what may transpire. and then pray that what transpires is restoration.