last night i was looking at emerson sleeping before i went to bed myself. whenever i do that i am always overcome by love and i have to use huge amounts of self control not to kiss him and wake him up. i usually can't totally help myself and i give him a light feathery kiss on his cheek. just enough to feel his skin and only create a tiny stir.

anyway... i was imagining myself doing this when he's older. will i always gaze at him and feel the consuming love that i feel now. even when he's 12 or 16 or 25 or 40? my mom says she does. but not always as intense... but them moments come and there are waves of emotion. she told me about the other day when she was on the phone with christopher and he said something that was "so christopher" and tears just started streaming down her face and she was silent for a while while she composed herself. christopher said, "mom, are you there?" and she didn't let on and went on with the conversation.

i was thinking about emerson getting older and what i dread most about it. (there are so many things that i look forward to...) but i just had this really clear thought that what i fear most about his growing up is the awkwardness that comes with age of receiving love.

i mean... now i can say... "i love you so MUCH!" and grab him and hug him hard and kiss him all over. and he just takes it in stride. it's normal. it's what mom does. it's what he expects.

but when my parents tell me how great i am and how much they love me and are bursting with emotion over me... i feel awkward and deeply moved and conspicuous and teary. i know my mom was just like i am with emerson when we were little. plus i feel this need to somehow let them know how special they are and to match their love.

i fear the loss of the unabashed and wreckless expression of emotion that i have now.

updated name list...

julian, sawyer and wesley. (emerson is pulling for sawyer... "me like that sawyer."