some days i feel so much pain that i just want to escape. but i am keenly aware that jesus is my only choice and he is not an escapist. all other paths but jesus lead to self destruction. it's never been more crystal clear. when jesus asked the disciples if they wanted to leave him too their reply was... "where will we go? you alone have the words of eternal life."

and yet i can feel myself often rising up and wrestling God for control. trying to take back the reigns of my life... accusing him of negligence. i try to sneak behind his back and put my fingers in the light sockets of my life. and then i feel confused when i get a bad shock. couldn't God chelsea-proof this world... like I baby proofed my house? protect me from all those dangers that i'm just too stubborn to believe will hurt me?

i suppose with all my baby proofing emerson has still gotten a fair share of bumps, bruises, scrapes and cuts. not to mention a severe skull surgery and plenty of shots. and flus and colds, etc. maybe God has chelsea-proofed more than i realize and most of what i'm experiencing is me learning to walk or getting an immunization that i won't appreciate till later or just catching something that's part of being alive in this world. or maybe it's like the skull surgery that i'd have done anything to spare emerson from going through but had to allow so that he could be whole for the rest of his life.

although to be honest... much of what i'm experiencing is like the three year old kid that stomped on emerson's hands when he was one because she was hungry and mad at her dad. sigh... i wanted to beat the crap out of that kid. maybe God feels that way about me and my stomper too.