hi everyone. you guys are so sweet and insightful. no really... the comments really encouraged me. i also took your advice, dave, and talked with my mom and came away with a little more wisdom and hope. :)

for those of you who don't know me... i judge myself rather severely from time to time. especially when it comes to mothering.

anyway.... yesterday was a wonderful day. someone out there was praying. i know it.

by the way... who is anonymous?

will update soon.......

okay... well... it's been what?... 10 days since my last post... ahhh... those were the days. i was a naive little pollyanna back then. 10 days ago. since then... all hell has broken loose at the kay homestead.

the house is not cleaner. the kids are not happier. chris and i are still getting along great... but maybe because we have no energy to do anything but flop ourselves onto the couch once everyone else finally stops attacking us for trying to make them go to sleep. julian is totally jealous and regressing. phoenix is fussy and inconsistent. emerson is super hyper and whiny. and my nerves are shot with all three of them.

i think i was a good mom once. somewhere in the recesses of my mind... i seem to remember thinking i was doing an okay job. ha! well those days are gone. i am doing this all wrong as evidenced by the insanity displayed throughout my home and family

maybe tomorrow... maybe.

goal: worry less about house and more about connecting with each kid. LET HOUSE GO!!!!

goal: state corrections positively and with a gracious tone.

goal: outweight negative corrections with positive affirmations.

goal: discipline with love and compassion as well as consistany.

goal: be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

goal: remember that emerson is only four and treat him accordingly

goal: hold julian more, look into his eyes when i talk to him, discipline him consistantly.

goal: try not to put the tv on so much for kids.

goal: enjoy my children

goal: have fun

oh yes... i know... you will say to give myself a break. give myself lots of grace. easier said than done... i am finding it totally and completely unacceptable to come up as short as i am this week. it is not acceptable. but maybe the only way out of the horror of it is to accept it. i don't know.

i'm just spent.

i love these little guys so much and i constantly feel like i'm falling on my face when it comes to showing it.

we're all emotional and insecure. all of us. pray for us.

still here.

i have phoenix asleep on my chest, julian is napping and i can hear emerson and chris downstairs playing. my house is full and so is my heart.

things have gone better than i could have expected. don't get me wrong - only 3 days ago i cried myself to sleep from exhaustion and hopelessness... :) ... but the moment passed and most of the time i find that life is better with phoenix here. better for our whole family. surprisingly... the house feels cleaner. the kids seem happier. chris and i love each other more. i feel like our family is complete. i feel like i've grown so much as a mother and wife.

there are little issues... like i feel sad a lot that i've lost julian as my baby. i kind of wanted him to be my baby a little longer. i feel like i'm missing out and i worry that he feels a little cast aside. he seems to love the baby so much. no jealousy really... although sometimes when he's patting the baby he seems to think it's pretty funny to do it a little too hard. julian has gotten so close to chris... he's really a daddy's boy most of the time... i guess the jealousy is more on my part. i just long for a day alone with each of them and nothing else to do. still... i am trying not to wish things were different and just savor the sweetness of what is.

we saw the movie "click" last night... (i watched most of it from the aisle while i bounced and swayed with phoenix) ... and it was sort of corny and cliched... but none the less... i can't stop thinking about it. the message was just to live every moment and be thankful for it. to be present and not wishing to be elsewhere in time. it really spoke to me. (as much as adam sandler can possible "speak to me") it really made me think about how often i want to get through with the day or the hour or this difficult newborn phase. and how that wishing to be done with what i find monotonous or tedious or tiring is really so short sighted. all of our days are numbered... why would i want to rush even one? (not to be morbid... but there it is.)

i kept thinking that the next year would be sort of hellish and i'd just grit my teeth and make it through...

and then i realized that in one year emerson will be on his way to kindergarden, julian to preschool and phoenix will be walking/not a babe in arms... and why, oh why... would i just want to "get through" this year. just want to survive it. this year is my last with emerson at home... and as much freedom and next year will bring... i'll never get back the kind of time i have with him now. julian is growing and changing every day. he adds about 10-15 words to his vocabulary a week. he is learning so much about the world and really coming in to his own. why would i want to just get through that... it's astonishing to watch and makes my heart swell when i really engage it. and phoenix this year will be all mine. will want my arms constantly. will want my breast. will need my skin and my lips and my hands throughout the day. he will want to be carried and cuddled and held... and next year he will want to walk and be on his first steps to childhood and out of babyhood. i will never get this time back. i will never be able to sleep with him curled in a ball on my chest again. rush through that? ... for what? freedom? it's overrated. :)

really though.... i know i will appreciate freedom to do other things again. i will love to have uninterrupted talks with my husband in the evenings. i will love sleeping through the night. (oh... sweet sleep) i will love preaching more often and leading a bible study... maybe going back to school and being able to go back to europe or on a mission trip. but it will come and then... as much fun as i will have... i will look back and it will be irretrievable and i want to say i lived it to the fullest... drank life to the lees. i want to have very few regrets about how i lived now SO THAT i can live well then.

so there. that's sort of where i am these day. i'm there. and i'm tired. and happy.