yesterday morning i was getting emerson dressed. he got a really cool batman shirt for christmas but it's short sleeved. i suggested he wear a black turtle neck underneath to keep warm. once we had the turtle neck on i pulled out the batman shirt to slip it over his head.

he stopped me and said..."no. i'm just going to wear the plain shirt."

"really?" i asked, "you don't want to wear the batman shirt?"

"no...i'm just going to be bruce wayne today." :)

i usually don't post because there are just too many things to write about on any given day.

what do i want to write about today? what really surfaces in my mind as the crown jewel of my day? ...

spent time with karen this morning which was so refreshing and wonderful. disgorged a gazillion thoughts on her about marriage and motherhood and depression and identity and God and neurosis... and she listened and commented and challenged and encouraged and teared up and laughed... and i felt lighter and more whole walking out her door. thanks karen... i would have stayed all day if i could have. (she even tried to make me role play once to get me to see how silly i am).

julian was angel boy today. he is usually not. in fact he has been somewhere on the other side of the spectrum for some time. he is beautiful and precious and i love him so much... but he has been a terror. the whining and the constant demands to be held and carried and the whining and the pickiness and the whining and the contant empyting of drawers and cabinets and baskets and trashcans and the whining... sigh. did i mention he whines a lot?

yesterday i thought i might just lose my mind. then... last night he slept all night long, in his own bed until 7am without so much as a whimper. (this may sound very uneventful to most of you... but those of you who know me.... hallelujah, glory!) when he woke up he was calm, sweet, cuddly and terrifically peaceful. he went down for his nap like he'd been looking forward to it all day... slept for 3 hours and then woke slightly more agitated but still at a normal level. ahhhhh.....

the best part of it was just getting to enjoy him for a day. usually my feelings about julian are a little ambivalent... today he was a delight. and i needed this day to remind me of the sweetness of this little boy.

emerson was sweet too. but he usually is right now. last month was another ball game. kids just go through phases. and it always passes and things get easier and then harder again and then easier... but when your in the middle of a phase... it can feel like prison. and especially because it's never really clear what exactly your supposed to do to parent them through it. this has been a surprising part of parenting... none of us know what the heck we're doing! and by george... my parents must not have either. :)

tonight when i put emerson to sleep... i read him a story and then laid there with him for a few minutes. i turned my head and looked at him and he was grinning ear to ear. i said, "what?" and he said, "just smiling." "why?", i asked. "because i just love you." what a sweet heart. and to think only moments before i yelled at him for not letting me put a vapor patch on his chest. oh the unconditional love.

they haven't learned to hold grudges yet. thank God... cause i'm still sorting out so much in my own heart and i mess up a lot. luckily... even though i yell and lose my temper and get irritated when i shouldn't... they know i'm crazy about them and they know i'm here. they are also lucky that they're mommy had a good example of a mommy who apologized for those things. i apologize to my kids a lot. it doesn't let them off the hook to be respectful or obedient... but it shows them that i'm human and that i'm willing to deal with my own humanity. admission and repentance. i've often thought of my parents and commented that i think one of the greatest gifts they gave me as christian parents wasn't their lack of sinfulness but the example of what we do with our sin. but this is a post in itself isn't it.

i once told emerson that God gives mommy time outs too. it's true. :)

the boys just left. i have all day to get ready for chris' birthday party tonight... by myself. sigh......
i can't remember how to clean without someone continuously in my way.
it's very quiet in here.

today is emerson's birthday and he chose Northstar for breakfast. good taste for a four year old. i had the breakfast burrito... sweet potatoes, black beans, eggs, cheese... chris had a mushroom fritatta and emerson and julian shared ricotta pancakes and a blueberry smoothie. yum.

emerson has a horrible ear infection. he had two shots on wednesday for which i put our relationship in jeopardy. had to hold him down while two nurses punctured his legs with huge needles all the while listening to him scream... "get your hands off of me!" sigh... he cried the whole way home and layed on the couch all night watching super friends and whimpering from time to time. i could tell he felt betrayed... no matter how many times i tried to explain to him that i did it so that he'd be better. his bottom lip would just stick out and quiver and he'd say, "i don't want that ever to happen to me again."

i couldn't help think of God. parenting sure is eye opening. how often we feel abandoned, betrayed, wounded and can't comprehend any goodness or kindness in the one who is supposed to care for us. all we feel is "i hurt." and yet... emerson had no where to go but into my arms. feeling betrayed and angry... he still layed in my arms and wept. and though i had "caused" his pain... the only antidote was my love. interesting.

well, he was better for a few days and last night he woke up crying. chris ran to his room and when he didn't seem to be calming down i got up too. i went in and leaned over him, "honey, what's wrong?"... he answered me with a well executed smack across the face. ??? restraining his hands i said again, "what's wrong?" and he got more and more hysterical. finally, i said... "mommy is right here. want me to lay down with you?" and he layed right down and quieted.
after a couple hours he woke up crying again. i couldn't figure out what was wrong. then i saw him hold his ear. "sweetheart, does your ear hurt?". at which point the fist came flying again. "stop hitting me right now! i'm trying to help you. tell me what's wrong." he kept repeating that he didn't know. i watched him tug on his ear and said, "are you afraid to tell me that your ear hurts because you think you'll get another shot." many tears. that was it. i held him and promised that the rest of the medicine would be by mouth. gave him tylenol and helped him to sleep.

oh this delicate balance.

so... this week julian has taken a bite of deoderant, the tip of a marker, crayola crayons, chap stick, hair pomade, candy wrappers, soap, and emerson's butt in the bathtub. (yeah... uh... keep out of the reach of children... not so much.)can't get the kid to try half the dinners i make but... deoderant... hey, why not?

well... i better get cleaning.

gotta have something to show for my day alone with the house. :)

has it really been since august that i've posted?

for shame.

life goes fast and sleep is scarce. laundry is plentiful and babies always need more than i'm made of... there just seems to be a lot of things on the priority list before blogging these days.

oh and i'm pregnant again... there's that. :)

so i've been going to bed at 8:30pm most night trying to somehow get enough rest to make it through tomorrow.

need i say accident?

but i have never been one to believe any child is an accident and so...

despite technology and nature... i am with child... i can only believe that this is meant to be.

so far it has been overwhelming and stressful but there is healing written all over this and i feel it seeping into our home.

chris is out buying me a very decadent and not so good for me snack that i suddenly had to have. i just blame it on the baby's whimsy and shrug my shoulders.

hopefully i'll pop back in a little more often.

night.