some days i feel so much pain that i just want to escape. but i am keenly aware that jesus is my only choice and he is not an escapist. all other paths but jesus lead to self destruction. it's never been more crystal clear. when jesus asked the disciples if they wanted to leave him too their reply was... "where will we go? you alone have the words of eternal life."

and yet i can feel myself often rising up and wrestling God for control. trying to take back the reigns of my life... accusing him of negligence. i try to sneak behind his back and put my fingers in the light sockets of my life. and then i feel confused when i get a bad shock. couldn't God chelsea-proof this world... like I baby proofed my house? protect me from all those dangers that i'm just too stubborn to believe will hurt me?

i suppose with all my baby proofing emerson has still gotten a fair share of bumps, bruises, scrapes and cuts. not to mention a severe skull surgery and plenty of shots. and flus and colds, etc. maybe God has chelsea-proofed more than i realize and most of what i'm experiencing is me learning to walk or getting an immunization that i won't appreciate till later or just catching something that's part of being alive in this world. or maybe it's like the skull surgery that i'd have done anything to spare emerson from going through but had to allow so that he could be whole for the rest of his life.

although to be honest... much of what i'm experiencing is like the three year old kid that stomped on emerson's hands when he was one because she was hungry and mad at her dad. sigh... i wanted to beat the crap out of that kid. maybe God feels that way about me and my stomper too.

a good friend of mine went through circumstances similar to the ones that i am going through right now years ago. ironically she was cleaning out a drawer just today and found a slip of paper that i had scribbled a few quotes to her on. she still had it after 5 years and gave it back to me.

"those who have suffered most and surrendered their pain to the God who allowed it are the strongest, tenderest people alive and if you don't agree - look at Jesus and you decide."

"to be able to explain suffering is the clearest indication of never having suffered. suffering is not a problem of the mind but of the heart and the heart can know that God is the God of all comfort and mercies."

strange how God saved that slip of paper in my handwriting for me for five years. he's good.

hello all. i am losing momentum on this blog. such huge and personal things are going on in my life that i just can't fathom throwing them out to the whole world. but to talk about anything else just seems so weird.

hmmmmm... let's see... what trivial information can i offer... my good friend zena is staying with me this weekend along with her beautiful children.. mazzy and abe. it's been such a wonderful thing. not trivial at all actually.

i am surrounded by so many wonderful friends. God has blessed me richly. i am realizing more and more how much God provides for us when life seems to crumble. in the midst of suffering he sees us. we love Him not for preventing pain in our lives but for walking through it with us.

emerson has now extended my name to honey sugar mama. :)

thank you all for your emails and comments. i appreciate the prayers more than you can even imagine. please, please, please keep them coming.

emerson has taken to calling me mommy-sugar. as in "night-night mommy-sugar." :) very cute. makes me feel like a million bucks.

it has been a very dark and complicated time in my life. i can't go into it here. it's not the right forum... but those of you who pray... please remember me. our family.

i don't know that i even have the energy to write about anything at all right now.

how's this... emerson always brings joy to me. he's been progressively more and more interested in the potty. occasionally he wants to give it a shot. i'm not pushing it right now... but if he wants to try... who am i to stop him. anyway... we were at my parents when he wanted to test his skills. he sat on the potty for a while and nothing happened. finally he looked up at me and said... "it not turnin' on." ha!

i'm back. post coming soon.