got everyone in bed and to sleep. i always feel mildly heroic afterwards. especially this week while chris is out of commission.

the day was good. mostly. i took the boys to cosi because i couldn't stand being in this house another day and we all needed a dose of fun. we bought lunch there and stayed for half the day. the boys all did great and i felt good that we made it out with no help and everything went smoothly. .... except.... julian fell asleep in the car and didn't transfer and wouldn't go back to sleep... so - no nap.

oh well. you win some, you lose some.

i'm tired and i've still got laundry to do before bed. better go soon.

one thing... last night i had this thought... i live life sort of like i'm at a car lot and someone comes to me and says kindly, "listen i want you to have this car for free. take it. it's yours." and it's this beautiful shiny brand new luxury car. but instead, i look around... see an old used rusty junker with the muffler hanging down and no rims and say..."i'll take that one instead and there's no way i'm not paying."

it's a poor analogy. we've been doing a lot of buying and selling and looking at cars lately... whatdaya gonna do? still... it fits.

i don't really know how to let God forgive me. or not totally anyway. i mean i want to pay for my sins a little bit.

hearing adrienne at the women's retreat, speak about jesus coming and breaking the sin off of us... my involuntary response was... "i can't let myself get away with that." it shocked me, this thought. i use self condemnation and guilt as a way of paying for my sins. and i do a poor, poor job at it because the tab is getting bigger by the minute and i'm broke. you see, i'm realizing that i better let someone else foot the bill. not because i don't deserve too... just because i'm incapable. but easier said than done.

i think i might have been a good catholic... penence is comforting to me. trouble is... i don't believe in it. i live like i do... assigning myself every increasing acts of reparation... but in my heart i know it doesn't work and may even be sin in and of itself. what irony? my attempt to pay for my sin... may just be sin.

anyway... why is it that the older i get the more i realize what a mess i am?

my theory is that the closer i get to Jesus the more i see his holiness clearly and the farther i seem to fall short. so in essence... when i was farther from jesus i felt better about my "self"... the closer i am to jesus.... the worse i feel about my "self". and yet the closer i get... the more loved i feel and the more content i am and the more i see the real me emerge.

this isn't coming out at all right.... but there it is.

i know, i know. i know all the right answers. i know the scriptures. but that's how it is... we know one thing in our heads and one thing in hearts. and sometimes get them both on the same page is awfully hard.

hooray!!!

phoenix didn't wake up to eat until 4:30am! i went to sleep at 10:30pm... so this is more consecutive hours of sleep than i've gotten in over three months! and neither of the other boys woke up either. yay! feeling much more sane. sorry i'm so complain-y on here... i won't promise anything else though. :) i sort of need a place to get it out so bear with me.

some things that made me smile... emerson likes to play with phoenix and talk to him using the same high-pitched airy voice that i do. this morning i came in to see him bent over the bouncy seat sayin...(in high squeaky baby talk voice) "you're a human aren't you phoenix. aren't you. yeah... you're human. that's right." and then later... "you yuv your big brother don't you little guy."

julian has finally started to call him something other than baby... he's settled on "weenick". cute.

alright must jump in the shower while i can. baby is asleep, julian is watching buzz, emerson's downstairs watching clifford and i'm gross and groggy. mama needs to luxuriate in hot running water for a few minutes before i try this again.

i am going under. i am going under.

i am exhausted beyond belief.

chris got his wisdom teeth out yesterday and it was much worse than they expected and my mother in law came to help but couldn't come today and i ate something that is hurting the babies tummy but have too many people to take care of to have time to pump and tonight at the end of the day after slaving just to get everyone through... julian cried for daddy and emerson cried for grandma and the baby just cried. and so did i.

i feel like a failure but i know i did my best. my best just seems so inadequate these days.

must sleep while i can. who knows who will be up when...................................

okay. i just got finished looking through a few photo albums of emerson as a one or two year old.

i feel anguished. it's going too fast. help.

it was good though. looking at those pictures made me want to slow down. way down. and who the hell cares if my dishes are done? my babies are growing up.

will someone remind me of this when i get stressed out? i feel terrified that i'll get to the end and have missed it all.

oh God help me be here now with these sweet little ones. heal me so that i can see them. really see them now... and not in pictures two years from now. please help me.

here is a revelation. i feel better when i write. i feel more sane. more hopeful and less lonely. and i like the blog medium because people say things back.

i am highly relational and i need to translate every thought into words.

i have always wanted to write a book or a ...something. but i have very little confidence in myself as a writer since i am untrained. still... i think that i had better start working on it being 30 and all. :)

and there has to be a way to get all of this fodder for writing down in my crazy life.... and lying in bed typing out a stream of conscience blog entry is relaxing, helpful and perhaps... a step in the right direction for my future work of genius. (wink,wink)

so... you may be hearing a lot more from me.

julian cried again today for an hour about the jammies. only this time they were rocket jammies and i made a deal that he could wear the jammie tshirt and his buzz lightyear socks (already worn 2 days) to church but the jammie pants had to go. he let me take them off with relative ease... but a little while later when i tried to put on a regular pair of pants...well, he had to draw the line. he'd let me remove the pajama pants but god forbid i try to put a pair of jeans on him. he had agreed not to wear the pj bottoms to church but never in that deal had he actually agreed to wear anything else instead. and so it was with screams and kicks and punches and snot and wrenching despair that he was buckled into his car seat with pants on. sigh......... am i asking to much?

and yet... when they brought him up from sunday school because he was hysterical and they had tried everything there too... he reached out his arms and laid his head on my shoulder and said... "miss mommy." and then seeing chris he reached his arms towards him too. chris came close and he pulled him into me and pulled all three of our heads together and rested his little forhead against ours and closed his eyes and breathed deep with anguished relief. as if we had just survived a life threatening trauma. he does that often when he hugs people... furrows his brow and closes his eyes and moans as if his heart is breaking with relief and love. he is passionate. he enrages me. but he also thrills me. truly he does.

then emerson was at friends for the afternoon and phoenix went to sleep early so chris and i had two hours alone with jules and it was wonderful. he soaked up the undivided attention with total joy and abandon. we laughed and played and snuggled and we all felt a little high from the sweetness of it all. or at least me and julian did. chris is not so dramatic as me and julian are. maybe julian and i felt a little high and chris had a lot of fun. but now chris is putting julian and emerson to sleep and i can hear julian screeching again... and i suppose this is just how life will be with julian for awhile.

God has given him incredible passion and emotion and intensity and those are all wonderful qualities and our job is to help shape them so that they bless him and bless others. if only it were clearer how. i suppose it'll come.

goodnight

well... it's getting a little better. but first it got a lot worse.

last weekend i showed up at the women's retreat a complete and total mess. some terrific women held me and prayed for me and told me the truth about things... and God did some very deep work in me. so that helps...

but... slowly... (much too slowly for my taste)... things are getting easier. normalizing a bit.

phoenix is really starting to mellow out. he's smiling and laughing and staking out his claim on my heart with a fierceness. i'm starting to see the first inklings of patterns in his day and that helps a ton. (as long as i eat not an ounce of dairy.)

julsie... sigh... well... he's the cutest thing that ever happened... one moment. and the next he could destroy the planet if he could figure out a way to bridle his intensity. i am currently reading a book called "raising your spirited child"... spirited. yes. for sure. this morning he cried for about an hour... screaching, wailing, moaning sobs... he kicked anyone who came near him and punched... (literally punched us with closed fist.... the kids got a mean uppercut) me in the face... because we had to take off his buzz lightyear pajamas. this is not uncommon. so if any of you see me out with my kid in filthy pajamas... cut me some slack. i'm seriously considering buying seven pairs of them just to cut myself some slack. there could be worse things than your kids wearing pajamas round the clock. (you see... in most families they say, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." well in our family... "if julian ain't happy..." so we're slowly working on this.) in the meantime... and i mean it... he is astonishingly and intoxicatingly cute. his intensity in anger and grief matched by his zeal and joy.

emerson is growing so fast. faster than i can keep up with and i feel like he's slipping through my fingers faster than i can handle. he entertains me and delights me with constant drawings and creations. he is finally really able to draw what is in his head and present a recognizable picture. i want to keep every one. he says the best things and he takes in everything. he's also feeling his oats and sometimes he talks back to me in ways that sound more 14 than 4. weird. but he's still four. he had his first sleep-over attempt the other day with his two best buddies. we got the call at 11pm when he and parker bonked heads. upon leaving they said, "well we can try again sometime soon." to which he responded... "yeah, and i'll try not to bonk my head next time because then you just need your mommy."

chris and i... despite the chaos... are like the calm in the storm. he has become my best friend and my most trusted companion. i am so thankful.

that's about all i have the energy for. i'm spent. always.

goodnight.