well... it's getting a little better. but first it got a lot worse.

last weekend i showed up at the women's retreat a complete and total mess. some terrific women held me and prayed for me and told me the truth about things... and God did some very deep work in me. so that helps...

but... slowly... (much too slowly for my taste)... things are getting easier. normalizing a bit.

phoenix is really starting to mellow out. he's smiling and laughing and staking out his claim on my heart with a fierceness. i'm starting to see the first inklings of patterns in his day and that helps a ton. (as long as i eat not an ounce of dairy.)

julsie... sigh... well... he's the cutest thing that ever happened... one moment. and the next he could destroy the planet if he could figure out a way to bridle his intensity. i am currently reading a book called "raising your spirited child"... spirited. yes. for sure. this morning he cried for about an hour... screaching, wailing, moaning sobs... he kicked anyone who came near him and punched... (literally punched us with closed fist.... the kids got a mean uppercut) me in the face... because we had to take off his buzz lightyear pajamas. this is not uncommon. so if any of you see me out with my kid in filthy pajamas... cut me some slack. i'm seriously considering buying seven pairs of them just to cut myself some slack. there could be worse things than your kids wearing pajamas round the clock. (you see... in most families they say, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." well in our family... "if julian ain't happy..." so we're slowly working on this.) in the meantime... and i mean it... he is astonishingly and intoxicatingly cute. his intensity in anger and grief matched by his zeal and joy.

emerson is growing so fast. faster than i can keep up with and i feel like he's slipping through my fingers faster than i can handle. he entertains me and delights me with constant drawings and creations. he is finally really able to draw what is in his head and present a recognizable picture. i want to keep every one. he says the best things and he takes in everything. he's also feeling his oats and sometimes he talks back to me in ways that sound more 14 than 4. weird. but he's still four. he had his first sleep-over attempt the other day with his two best buddies. we got the call at 11pm when he and parker bonked heads. upon leaving they said, "well we can try again sometime soon." to which he responded... "yeah, and i'll try not to bonk my head next time because then you just need your mommy."

chris and i... despite the chaos... are like the calm in the storm. he has become my best friend and my most trusted companion. i am so thankful.

that's about all i have the energy for. i'm spent. always.

goodnight.