we had the second appointment at osu today. there are lots of details but the long and short of it is that there has been no change which is good. it means things are stable. the baby is still getting enough nourishment, heartbeat and responsiveness is good, amniotic fluid is low but not dangerous, abdomen is small but okay. so... i'm in a holding pattern. we just keep doing what we're doing. bedrest. monitoring. etc.

this time the doctor did say that if things continue to remain steady like this there would be a chance of carrying to term and starting labor naturally.... which is good... but the thought of being on bedrest for potentially 4 more weeks is not good. sigh........... i mean it's not the end of the world but.... it's hard. i'm trying to enjoy the rest. 2 weeks ago if you would have told me i'd get to sit around for weeks at a time i'd have felt excited. but it's also hard to have to be so dependent on everyone. i feel like such a burden. i'm tired of asking for things. and being so out of control. and i feel so ridiculous all the time because the truth is... i feel fine. just pregnant. so i CAN lift julian and carry him around and change his diapers and give him his bath. i CAN play hide and seek with emerson and walk him in to preschool and carry his bike outside for him. i CAN do the laundry and make dinner and mop the floor and go grocery shopping. But the doctor said not to. so i'm sitting here feeling ridiculous and lazy and parasitic. and it does weird things to my brain. it would be a lot easier if my leg were broken or i had had an injury and i physically couldn't do those things. it would be a lot more black and white.
so... i'm being obedient to my doctor. and my mom is coming over and basically doing everything i usually do while chris is at work.
i am in a terribly strange state of mind right now. on the one hand i feel so peaceful and relaxed... but i also feel sort of shut down and anti-social. i feel incredible love and longing for my children... but i just want them out of the room so i can stare at the computer. i feel serene and hopeful and irritable and agitated. it's like i want all or nothing. it's like i don't even know what i'm feeling or why i'm feeling it. i also feel so confused all the time. like the lying around is making my brain go weird... i feel like acting sick and lazy is making my brain feel sick and lazy. how do i keep my brain active and engaged while my body does the opposite? i'm trying to learn.
i have a feeling God wants to teach me something through this.
what, i'm not sure... but it'll come.
for now... baby phoenix seems to be doing fine and that's whats important.
i'm sure there will be more later.
ps... i posted a long comment response after the last entry.