i don't know what to say. if i could i'd issue a huge long intake of air and release it slowly and with eyes closed and that's about how i feel.

this is the first quiet moment all day.

things are fast and loud and constant.

today was the most that i was alone with all three boys... my mom came over from about 10:30am to 3:00pm... so it was just me for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. and i have to say that today left me feeling more encouraged than anything.

sometimes the fear of something is greater than the actual thing... i have been having these panicky feelings of being unable to take care of these three little ones. it has felt, in my head, that something horrible will happen... that it will be an absolute catastrophe... when i am left alone with them. so today... i was alone with all of them and i found out that it was a little catastrophic but we all made it relatively happy, healthy and unscathed. i mean, sure, julian pooped on emerson's puzzle because the only way i could shower was to take him in the bath with me while phoenix slept and emerson watched a video and by the time we got out... because phoenix was crying (before i got to wash my hair)... phoenix had pooped and i decided to change him first since his bottom is a little raw and julian's diapers were downstairs... and then he was screaming so i thought i'd nurse him a little and then julian well.... the deposit on the puzzle. but you see... i just took a little breath and paused and said... "it's alright. i'll take care of it." and i put phoenix down and cleaned julian off and threw the puzzle into a sink of hot water and soap to deal with later and diapered julian and then went back to nursing phoenix and there was a fair amount of fussing.... but after 15 minutes everyone was happy.
okay... and it took me an hour to get emerson's breakfast. a bagel. toasted with butter. i actually got it into the toaster but was sidetracked a number of times and remembered some time later that i'd never retrieved it. but you see... emerson did not starve and actually may be learning valuable lessons about patience and caring for others.
and... well... alright... i didn't get to brush my teeth until an hour or so before dinner time... but you see... i did brush them after all... and my kids don't seem to care too much if my breath is bad.
so there is the way my day, my brain works right about now... but what was so great about today was not that it went smoothly because it didn't... but that as bumpy as it was... no one seemed to be worse for the wear... and so now i know we'll all be fine. and now i'm not so scared anymore.

still feeling a bit guilty that no one gets as much of me as i'd like... but i imagine that won't go away ever and i better let it go.