so... i have three sons now.

phoenix is here and beautiful... but if i have a full head of grey hair next time you see me, don't be surprised.

phoenix is tiny. skinny. fragile. he is just over 4 lbs. it was an emotional roller coaster in the hospital. but now we're home and though he is small... he is healthy and strong for the most part. just normal preemie stuff...he's jaundiced so he's on a round-the-clock photo-therapy blanket and he's on a feeding plan that involves me breastfeeding as well as pumping and giving him supplemental bottles of breastmilk. he's skin and bones so he is hard to keep warm and has to be swaddled and covered more than most babies. but he's doing well and getting stronger every day.

still... a mother's heart will not rest until her babies have some meat on their bones and it may be a while for phoenix.

after spending 3 days looking at phoenix and the other babies in NICU... i came home and looked and julian and emerson and wondered what their grandparents had been feeding them that they got so incredibly fat over 4 days time. :) they are so incredibly substantial and phoenix just feels so slight and well... insubstantial.

the boys are doing well. a little insecure. a little cranky. but mostly they are in love with their new baby brother and adapting as quickly as can be expected. i'm thinking that my biggest job over the next few months... besided feeding phoenix is going to be keeping julian from smothering him to death with love.

i'm struggling a lot right now with feeling insubstantial myself. but in a different way. definitely not physically... but as a mother... i feel so torn. there just isn't enough of me to go around and i think i'm coming to the realization that there never will be. i have to give as much as i can to each of these boys and then pray that God fills in my gaps. i am not enough... but there is no way i could be. knowing this doesn't make it hurt less that i can't be all things to all of my children... then again... if i could... that wouldn't be so good for them either. :)

but i love them all so much. and as much as this time is overwhelming and to be honest... i feel uncertain of how in the world i'm going to do this... i feel so blessed beyond measure with this little family of mine.

pictures coming soon.