still here.

i have phoenix asleep on my chest, julian is napping and i can hear emerson and chris downstairs playing. my house is full and so is my heart.

things have gone better than i could have expected. don't get me wrong - only 3 days ago i cried myself to sleep from exhaustion and hopelessness... :) ... but the moment passed and most of the time i find that life is better with phoenix here. better for our whole family. surprisingly... the house feels cleaner. the kids seem happier. chris and i love each other more. i feel like our family is complete. i feel like i've grown so much as a mother and wife.

there are little issues... like i feel sad a lot that i've lost julian as my baby. i kind of wanted him to be my baby a little longer. i feel like i'm missing out and i worry that he feels a little cast aside. he seems to love the baby so much. no jealousy really... although sometimes when he's patting the baby he seems to think it's pretty funny to do it a little too hard. julian has gotten so close to chris... he's really a daddy's boy most of the time... i guess the jealousy is more on my part. i just long for a day alone with each of them and nothing else to do. still... i am trying not to wish things were different and just savor the sweetness of what is.

we saw the movie "click" last night... (i watched most of it from the aisle while i bounced and swayed with phoenix) ... and it was sort of corny and cliched... but none the less... i can't stop thinking about it. the message was just to live every moment and be thankful for it. to be present and not wishing to be elsewhere in time. it really spoke to me. (as much as adam sandler can possible "speak to me") it really made me think about how often i want to get through with the day or the hour or this difficult newborn phase. and how that wishing to be done with what i find monotonous or tedious or tiring is really so short sighted. all of our days are numbered... why would i want to rush even one? (not to be morbid... but there it is.)

i kept thinking that the next year would be sort of hellish and i'd just grit my teeth and make it through...

and then i realized that in one year emerson will be on his way to kindergarden, julian to preschool and phoenix will be walking/not a babe in arms... and why, oh why... would i just want to "get through" this year. just want to survive it. this year is my last with emerson at home... and as much freedom and next year will bring... i'll never get back the kind of time i have with him now. julian is growing and changing every day. he adds about 10-15 words to his vocabulary a week. he is learning so much about the world and really coming in to his own. why would i want to just get through that... it's astonishing to watch and makes my heart swell when i really engage it. and phoenix this year will be all mine. will want my arms constantly. will want my breast. will need my skin and my lips and my hands throughout the day. he will want to be carried and cuddled and held... and next year he will want to walk and be on his first steps to childhood and out of babyhood. i will never get this time back. i will never be able to sleep with him curled in a ball on my chest again. rush through that? ... for what? freedom? it's overrated. :)

really though.... i know i will appreciate freedom to do other things again. i will love to have uninterrupted talks with my husband in the evenings. i will love sleeping through the night. (oh... sweet sleep) i will love preaching more often and leading a bible study... maybe going back to school and being able to go back to europe or on a mission trip. but it will come and then... as much fun as i will have... i will look back and it will be irretrievable and i want to say i lived it to the fullest... drank life to the lees. i want to have very few regrets about how i lived now SO THAT i can live well then.

so there. that's sort of where i am these day. i'm there. and i'm tired. and happy.