here is a revelation. i feel better when i write. i feel more sane. more hopeful and less lonely. and i like the blog medium because people say things back.

i am highly relational and i need to translate every thought into words.

i have always wanted to write a book or a ...something. but i have very little confidence in myself as a writer since i am untrained. still... i think that i had better start working on it being 30 and all. :)

and there has to be a way to get all of this fodder for writing down in my crazy life.... and lying in bed typing out a stream of conscience blog entry is relaxing, helpful and perhaps... a step in the right direction for my future work of genius. (wink,wink)

so... you may be hearing a lot more from me.

julian cried again today for an hour about the jammies. only this time they were rocket jammies and i made a deal that he could wear the jammie tshirt and his buzz lightyear socks (already worn 2 days) to church but the jammie pants had to go. he let me take them off with relative ease... but a little while later when i tried to put on a regular pair of pants...well, he had to draw the line. he'd let me remove the pajama pants but god forbid i try to put a pair of jeans on him. he had agreed not to wear the pj bottoms to church but never in that deal had he actually agreed to wear anything else instead. and so it was with screams and kicks and punches and snot and wrenching despair that he was buckled into his car seat with pants on. sigh......... am i asking to much?

and yet... when they brought him up from sunday school because he was hysterical and they had tried everything there too... he reached out his arms and laid his head on my shoulder and said... "miss mommy." and then seeing chris he reached his arms towards him too. chris came close and he pulled him into me and pulled all three of our heads together and rested his little forhead against ours and closed his eyes and breathed deep with anguished relief. as if we had just survived a life threatening trauma. he does that often when he hugs people... furrows his brow and closes his eyes and moans as if his heart is breaking with relief and love. he is passionate. he enrages me. but he also thrills me. truly he does.

then emerson was at friends for the afternoon and phoenix went to sleep early so chris and i had two hours alone with jules and it was wonderful. he soaked up the undivided attention with total joy and abandon. we laughed and played and snuggled and we all felt a little high from the sweetness of it all. or at least me and julian did. chris is not so dramatic as me and julian are. maybe julian and i felt a little high and chris had a lot of fun. but now chris is putting julian and emerson to sleep and i can hear julian screeching again... and i suppose this is just how life will be with julian for awhile.

God has given him incredible passion and emotion and intensity and those are all wonderful qualities and our job is to help shape them so that they bless him and bless others. if only it were clearer how. i suppose it'll come.

goodnight