it's been nice blogger. i've really always wanted to be with LJ. i've just finally found the strength to leave you. you will always be my first. goodbye.

www.ckmama.livejournal.com

come up and see me some time.

well. i lost my pass word for a while when it changed to google. not sure what happened. i never claimed to know what i was doing.
life is good. so, so good. i love our house. i love my husband. i love my children. i love my neighborhood. i love my church. i love my family. i love my friends. i'm feeling really very overwhelmed with God's grace and blessing in my life.
i tend to live in the constant awareness of how little i deserve what i have. my reaction is to be guilty and/or fearful because i feel like a little kid whos misbehaved all day long and in spite of it has been given an ice cream cone. but i expect God to be sitting there scowling and muttering and saying... "you better be lucky i'm nice." and i sort of have this feeling, now that i have my tongue in the middle of this glorious mountain of ice cream that i had better not make a wrong move because as soon as i do the ice cream is done. and i sort of can't totally enjoy the ice cream because i know i shouldn't have it and i think it might be snatched away any minute. i don't know why i think like that. its not really what i believe God is like. he's never treated me like that before. in fact, quite the opposite.
but my sweet husband... we were laying in bed discussing this the other night and he said, "see i just think. wow! i'm totally messed up and he still gave me all this. amazing! and then i enjoy it." he has a really good grasp on both his brokeness and God's incredible grace. i think i really get my brokeness... but i'm a little foggy on the grace. not for you. just for me. (i know... its pride in disguise. i've heard it. don't tell me.)but anyway... chris is like a little boy who's been ornary all day and then gets an ice cream cone and thinks... "yes! my dad's the best!" and then laps it up. and he might smile sheepishly and snuggle up and then giggle and then offer a lick. and the mercy to him is exactly what it is. mercy. and he accepts it. and it makes him better.
me? as soon as i get mercy... i start trying to prove i can live up to it.
all that said... this life i've got? its been an incredible excercise for me in understanding grace. its a good good life and i don't deserve it. but i love it. and i'm enjoying it more every day.