got everyone in bed and to sleep. i always feel mildly heroic afterwards. especially this week while chris is out of commission.

the day was good. mostly. i took the boys to cosi because i couldn't stand being in this house another day and we all needed a dose of fun. we bought lunch there and stayed for half the day. the boys all did great and i felt good that we made it out with no help and everything went smoothly. .... except.... julian fell asleep in the car and didn't transfer and wouldn't go back to sleep... so - no nap.

oh well. you win some, you lose some.

i'm tired and i've still got laundry to do before bed. better go soon.

one thing... last night i had this thought... i live life sort of like i'm at a car lot and someone comes to me and says kindly, "listen i want you to have this car for free. take it. it's yours." and it's this beautiful shiny brand new luxury car. but instead, i look around... see an old used rusty junker with the muffler hanging down and no rims and say..."i'll take that one instead and there's no way i'm not paying."

it's a poor analogy. we've been doing a lot of buying and selling and looking at cars lately... whatdaya gonna do? still... it fits.

i don't really know how to let God forgive me. or not totally anyway. i mean i want to pay for my sins a little bit.

hearing adrienne at the women's retreat, speak about jesus coming and breaking the sin off of us... my involuntary response was... "i can't let myself get away with that." it shocked me, this thought. i use self condemnation and guilt as a way of paying for my sins. and i do a poor, poor job at it because the tab is getting bigger by the minute and i'm broke. you see, i'm realizing that i better let someone else foot the bill. not because i don't deserve too... just because i'm incapable. but easier said than done.

i think i might have been a good catholic... penence is comforting to me. trouble is... i don't believe in it. i live like i do... assigning myself every increasing acts of reparation... but in my heart i know it doesn't work and may even be sin in and of itself. what irony? my attempt to pay for my sin... may just be sin.

anyway... why is it that the older i get the more i realize what a mess i am?

my theory is that the closer i get to Jesus the more i see his holiness clearly and the farther i seem to fall short. so in essence... when i was farther from jesus i felt better about my "self"... the closer i am to jesus.... the worse i feel about my "self". and yet the closer i get... the more loved i feel and the more content i am and the more i see the real me emerge.

this isn't coming out at all right.... but there it is.

i know, i know. i know all the right answers. i know the scriptures. but that's how it is... we know one thing in our heads and one thing in hearts. and sometimes get them both on the same page is awfully hard.