it's 11:30 and i can't sleep. sigh......

i went to a baby shower tonight and i was told the coffee was decaf but i'm starting to wonder. i've layed here in bed for over an hour now and have not even come close to drowsy. this from a girl who is regularly asleep before 10:00. i've tried making mundane lists in my head. tried not thinking of anything at all. tried listening to the drunk crazies pouring out of the bar down the street. i'm wide awake.

my eyes are burning but not drooping. what to do.

anyway... the drunk people in our street are a weird set to me. every weekend there are, without fail, a few yelling, swearing people who pass by our house. it doesn't bother me all that much. i mean... i grew up in a terrible neighborhood and night noise, fighting, swearing, sirens... all that is just part of the sound track to me. it isn't unsettling, scarey or even that annoying. it's just baffling and disilluioning that people are that far gone. do they even stop to look around and see that there are houses beside them. houses with strollers on the porches and minivans in the drive way. with the lights off and familes sleeping. and why do they feel the need to communicate so loudly? again... not that it bothers me all that much... just seems so incredibly immature and i can't understand what possesses grown people to make such asses of themselves and pay so little respect to others. i know, i know... alcohol. but really... it's the same way i feel when i've watched "the real world". i always have this depressed feeling... "is this a cross section of my generation? do these people really have so little self awareness? does the average twenty something person function on this level of ignorance and immaturity?"
so every weekend earlier in the evening i see young women tucked into too little clothing hobbling down the side walk on obviously uncomfortable heels and wearing too much make up and basically screaming for a guy to spend some time perusing her wares only not with their voices... yet.
and every weekend later that night i hear someone being cussed out. or breaking up. or screaming just to hear their voice. or honking their horn over and over... and i think... "really? i mean, really? there are that many people on a regular basis who do this every weekend and find it appealing enough to keep doing it?" i don't know.

tonight i heard a guy screaming "bitch!" and a girl screaming "it's OVER!" so who was breaking up with who there. then she continued to explain at the top of her lungs.... "you mean nothing to me! it is OVER!!!" and i just layed there thinking. the whole neighborhood is now in on your fight. i wondered what kind of relationship this couple could have possibly had to begin with and if he could have ever meant something to her. and what she had in mind when she set out for the night with this guy to the bar and if she'll do it next weekend. i just don't get it.

two weeks ago i heard one guy saying "get off of me! stop! stop!" i looked out the window and saw two guys... one obviously drunk and trying to fight the other. the first guy was trying to ward him off and restrain him and he said, "listen to me! do i mean anything to you?" after a while of them off and on fighting in front of the house... i went out on the front porch in my pjs and said... " okay guys... knock it off or i'm calling the cops. just work it out... you don't need to fight. there is no need to touch each other." they looked shocked and said, "we're fine." maybe it was the first time they stopped to think that people were listening to them. who knows.

seems to be a theme... this "meaning something" to someone... hmmm?

anyway... in that moment i became my mother. as i stepped inside i had a distinct memory of my mom pulling up to a street fight in our family station wagon and rolling down the window and yelling in her southern accent... "ya'll stop this. this is just silly. now ya'll cut it out or i'm going to go call the police." the two guys and the surrounding crowds just stopped and starred at her as i hid my face in the back seat. i've told this story so many times and laughed about how cute it is that my mom did that. i am my mom. am i cute or just naive?

okay... i'm going to give this sleep thing a whirl again. wish me luck.

oh... one more thing. okay two more... i just can't get over this talking phase of emerson's life. it's so amusing.

anyway... i realized that when he sings his abc's... he say's "double-me" instead of "W". :) makes sense to a two year old... when mommy sings it to me she says "double-you" therefore when i sing it i say "double-me".

today emerson was talking about daddy being at work and what he does there. then i asked... "emerson, what's mommy's work?" his response: "care of me and make pancakes." beautiful!

emerson just sang the entire alphabet song. i had no idea he knew it. he would never even tell me what came after "d". and here he knows the whole song!!!

i asked him what song he wanted me to sing while i was putting him to bed and he proceeded to sing the whole thing and then said, "that one mommy." of course i made him do it like five more times just to make sure. :)

one more cute thing...

i have a variety of songs that i sing to emerson. lately i have been singing "hush little baby" to him. at the end of the song he said, "mommy, me want my's billy goat right now." :)

update on christopher: out of hospital. on new drug treatments intended to put his crohn's in remission but with possible side effects. (no other option since his crohn's has become overly agressive and infected more than twice what was infected last year and is also robbing his body of nourishment.) on massive doses of vitamin supplements as there was no trace of vitamin d in his body and his bones were in a pre-osteoporosis state. i know... sounds awful. well, it is awful... but all in all we are optimistic. the doctor he has now is so wonderful and has brought in a bone specialist to join the team who is also helping him recover from severe malnourishment. it seems that he is in good hands. he is very happy with this doctor and it has built his confidence and hope. his spirits seem to have taken a turn for the better too. i feel much relief and hope in the present circumstances though there is still much need for prayer.

new name list... votes and opinions welcome. can't say that they'll be honored... but cast them all the same.

miles
julian
ethan
cole
sawyer

i honestly can't say i'm terribly thrilled about any of these... but it's the handful of names that we've come to a consensus on.

emerson has said so many cute things this week, i can't stand it.

a few days ago he was looking at his reflection in the tv and then all of a sudden he said, "what you doin' emerson kay." he then answered himself, "eaten these peanuts." to which he responded, "okay! good."

today we were driving by wendy's and he suddenly shouted, "eat lunch there!" i said, "no honey, we're going to go home and make something to eat." the rest of the way home he cried... "go to wendy's house. mama, me want go to wendy's house."

the other night he asked if he could have a bedtime snack. i told him that he could have half a banana. while i was downstairs getting it i could hear him upstairs yelling, "nana, where are you?"

yesterday when it started raining, emerson stood at the window shouting, "go home rain! go home!"

there are more... but that's a start. just humor me... i think the kids is a genius. i know... i know... humor me.

so tired today. i just can't even function.

night. night.

which of a thousand things should i write about?

you'll have to bear with me while i disgorge the contents of my brain.

chris had an open house for his new studio on thursday evening and it was a grand success! his studio looked spectacular and there was a terrific turn out. many of our friends came which was wonderful... but the most important part was the dozens of clients/potential clients who showed up and got to meet chris and look at his work. not only that but the party was incredibly elegant... very chic... very hip. an open bar, asian influenced food, ambient live music and lots of people in black. :) it felt very new york. needless to say... i was very proud of chris. plus it was great fun to get dressed up and go out to a classy party.

chris' parents helped so much with the whole thing. they catered it and took quite a bit of the financial burden on themselves. i can't say too much about how generous and selfless chris' parents are. i don't know that i've ever met people who are as giving as they are. i can honestly say that i don't know where we'd be without them.

speaking of which... last night we were at tim's (melissa's husband) birthday dinner at the kays. things were running late and it was emerson's bedtime and we hadn't even gotten to the presents or cake. we decided just to put him to sleep there and frank and joanne would bring him over in the morning since we were all going to have a garage sale together anyway. BUT... at 3:00 a.m. i heard the phone ring and it was joanne's voice. chris went downstairs to check the message and a few minutes later i heard a little voice outside calling "daddy!" i jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to find "gammer and gamper" handing emerson over to chris. "what's going on?", i asked. "he just really wanted to come home and be with mommy and daddy.", they said.

emerson has spent the night at their house many times and never had even a hint of a problem... but last night i laid down with him and i think he was startled when he woke up and i wasn't there. anyway... even though it was exhausting waking up and then getting him back to sleep... i have to say... it was a much needed affirmation.

someone once told me that when you have a baby it's like choosing to live with your heart forever walking around outside of your body. it's true. nothing has ever made me so vulnerable as having a child. nothing could hurt me more than emerson being hurt. and now i think of this little boy inside of me and i think why in the world am i taking this risk. now i'm twice as vulnerable. but the joy. oh the joy.

we've been tossing around some names.

miles... we both like but it's kind of getting popular... don't want to jump on the bandwagon.
julian... too feminine? too british?
ethan... ?
i love xavier... chris won't hear of it. i also love isaac... chris isn't sure.
opinions?

soooooo... we had our ultrasound this morning and the verdict... ????

we're having another little boy.

i couldn't be more thrilled. i really couldn't. it didn't matter to me either way.... this just crystallizes and focuses my dreaming. there were an equal set of wonderful things either way... and now i just get to relish and dream of a specified set.

this has made everything much more personal and real. for me that couldn't be better. it is no longer some distant concept of baby... it is my little boy. our son.

everything else looked perfect on the ultrasound. so... onward and upward.... or maybe outward.

thank you for all of your prayers and support. it has meant the world. (don't stop now.)

new photo posts

good weekend. spent friday evening in serious and profound dialogue with joshua and natalie weir. we stayed up way to late but it was worth it. went to bed feeling a sense of clarity and direction that has been absent for some time.

woke up and headed to the hospital again around 8:30/9:00. we stopped by mcdonald's to get breakfast and kroger to get christopher his cream savors and an air freshener he requested. (he said..."they won't let me take a shower yet and i feel like i'm sitting in my own filth. i need something fresh smelling... like flowering meadows or something.) :) we brought him green tea mandarin plug ins and his room smelled like an orange grove. the nurses kept stopping in saying... "what smells so wonderful?" christopher would casually comment... "it's my natural aroma." he was definitely feeling better. :)

he still had a tube up his nose and down his throat which freaked emerson out and was on painkillers and an iv.... but his spirits were up and his blockage was opening. we spent a long time at the hospital just hanging out and talking. christopher said he really felt the holy spirit giving him peace and it showed. we had some great talks and some good laughs. i helped him wash his hair in the sink and cleaned his room up for him. it was nice to help. he usually denies all offers.

he should be out on tuesday. he is being very patient. in the past he's pressured everyone to let him out. this time... he wants to stay until their sure he's well.

the rest of saturday we spent at chris' parents visiting with his grandpa from cleveland. we hadn't seen him in almost a year so we spent the whole day catching up.

today we went to church at the village vineyard. then ordered pizza with jt. emerson and i slept while chris and taylor washed the truck to get it ready to sell. when emerson and i woke up we went outside and played with the hose until taylor and emerson were drenched. then we cleaned up and went back to the hospital. home again and on a long walk with taylor... the big sister emerson never had.

a full weekend.

not looking forward to chris going back to work.

speaking of work... chris is having an opening at his new studio on thursday from 4:30 to 7:00. please come. drinks, food, music, fun.

good day overall. had lunch and play date with lyndi and aidan. always wonderful. lyndi is one of those people that i would consider one of my best friends but i don't see all that often. i'm not sure why. every time we hang out it is refreshing and safe and fun. i resolve to do it more often.

this afternoon we went over to the hospital to see christopher. we stayed for about two hours. my mom was there and jimmy and stephen stopped by while we were there too. he had some pretty good pain killers in his system so the conversation wasn't too profound... :)... in fact in the middle of talking with stephen and i he suddenly said... "okay, guys, i'm sorry but i've got a show to watch and turned on simpsons. :) ha! but in the spaces where he wanted to talk... he sounded more optimistic and peaceful than normal. he's usually very agitated and upset in the hospital but he seemed accepting and tender.

two doctors came in while i was there to talk things over with him and they were very comforting and encouraging but also very honest about the seriousness of his condition. it's hard to watch him.

we'll go back in the morning to keep him company until my mom can get there. his only request was chocolate cream savers. :)

thank you so much to all of you who genuinely care and say so. you are all more hope and light in our lives than you realize.

sorry to be so dire all the time lately.

we really do have so much to be thankful for. i try to always count the blessings and usually when i do i see how far the scale is tilted.

on a light note... easter was fun. all the family together. mounds of delicious food. new baby cousin to meet. easter egg hunts. emerson's funniest moment of the weekend was after the eater egg hunt when he was opening all his plastic eggs to check out the loot and in one was a dollar bill. i said, "emerson! do you know what that is?" he looked at me like i was crazy and said with complete clarity and leisure... "cash."

my brother, christopher, is back in the hospital. he was up all night in terrible pain. he hasn't been feeling well for a few months now. (he has crohn's disease.) please pray for him.

chris' vespa was stolen last night. it was chained up and covered with a tarp and this morning it was gone.

two days ago charles was hit by a bus while riding his bike. thank god he only ended up with some nasty scrapes, a totaled bike and a citation.

jt just left for court a half hour ago to pay a fee for an accident he had in front of our house a few weeks ago.

our other car is still in the shop being repaired from when it was stolen 2 weeks ago.

my dreams have been significant and symbolic lately. but too personal to share here. still they have given me some kind of glimpse into another realm.

if you pray... please pray for our household. especially chris as he has the least time and energy to deal with any of this.

thanks.

zoe is asleep. emerson is asleep. i should be asleep too.

i had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. chris found out last minute that he couldn't be there. so i called to see if i could reschedule it... the only time they had was next wednesday at 7am!!!! crap. looks like we'll all be rolling out of bed early next wednesday. :(

i just didn't feel right about chris not being there.

i don't know what i would do if it wasn't for my friend maureen sullivan. i am going to put her in our will. she will get all the cool stuff we have.

last night at 8:00pm i felt like i was going to die of exhaustion. my throat was sore and my eyes were burning so i went to bed with emerson and was asleep before ten. then chris let me sleep in and i forced myself out of bed at 9:30!!!! i definitely could have slept longer. but that would have been obscene. anyway... this morning the sore throat was gone and i'm feeling much perkier.

we had pancakes this morning and colored easter eggs which was a much bigger event in my mind than it turned out to be in real life. :) i get really gooey about all kinds of holiday tradition with emerson... coloring eggs, trick or treating, checking the stockings, carving the pumpkin, baking cookies together, wrapping presents, decorating the tree, making valentines etc... but usually his interest wanes after about 3 minutes and i'm left coloring eggs by myself while he and chris go outside to play on his "vroomer" (vespa). or something. maybe next year.

oh well. :)

wow... sorry for the silence. we're trying to cut down on extra bills around here and road runner got the axe. :( so we were without access for a week. now we're sharing wireless access with joshua and natalie and splitting the bill.

so, so, so, so tired.

but happy. starting to feel what they call "quickening" in the last few days. a slight fluttery movement inside of your womb. the baby now has full movement of all limbs and is just reaching a size big enough to make itself known. some people don't feel it till like 20 weeks. some people feel it early. they say your second is usually earlier. anyway... it's a surreal and wonderful thing and makes me feel even more invested and connected to this little one growing inside me.

so much to write about. so little energy.

i love indian food.