i don't know what to say. if i could i'd issue a huge long intake of air and release it slowly and with eyes closed and that's about how i feel.

this is the first quiet moment all day.

things are fast and loud and constant.

today was the most that i was alone with all three boys... my mom came over from about 10:30am to 3:00pm... so it was just me for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. and i have to say that today left me feeling more encouraged than anything.

sometimes the fear of something is greater than the actual thing... i have been having these panicky feelings of being unable to take care of these three little ones. it has felt, in my head, that something horrible will happen... that it will be an absolute catastrophe... when i am left alone with them. so today... i was alone with all of them and i found out that it was a little catastrophic but we all made it relatively happy, healthy and unscathed. i mean, sure, julian pooped on emerson's puzzle because the only way i could shower was to take him in the bath with me while phoenix slept and emerson watched a video and by the time we got out... because phoenix was crying (before i got to wash my hair)... phoenix had pooped and i decided to change him first since his bottom is a little raw and julian's diapers were downstairs... and then he was screaming so i thought i'd nurse him a little and then julian well.... the deposit on the puzzle. but you see... i just took a little breath and paused and said... "it's alright. i'll take care of it." and i put phoenix down and cleaned julian off and threw the puzzle into a sink of hot water and soap to deal with later and diapered julian and then went back to nursing phoenix and there was a fair amount of fussing.... but after 15 minutes everyone was happy.
okay... and it took me an hour to get emerson's breakfast. a bagel. toasted with butter. i actually got it into the toaster but was sidetracked a number of times and remembered some time later that i'd never retrieved it. but you see... emerson did not starve and actually may be learning valuable lessons about patience and caring for others.
and... well... alright... i didn't get to brush my teeth until an hour or so before dinner time... but you see... i did brush them after all... and my kids don't seem to care too much if my breath is bad.
so there is the way my day, my brain works right about now... but what was so great about today was not that it went smoothly because it didn't... but that as bumpy as it was... no one seemed to be worse for the wear... and so now i know we'll all be fine. and now i'm not so scared anymore.

still feeling a bit guilty that no one gets as much of me as i'd like... but i imagine that won't go away ever and i better let it go.

so... i have three sons now.

phoenix is here and beautiful... but if i have a full head of grey hair next time you see me, don't be surprised.

phoenix is tiny. skinny. fragile. he is just over 4 lbs. it was an emotional roller coaster in the hospital. but now we're home and though he is small... he is healthy and strong for the most part. just normal preemie stuff...he's jaundiced so he's on a round-the-clock photo-therapy blanket and he's on a feeding plan that involves me breastfeeding as well as pumping and giving him supplemental bottles of breastmilk. he's skin and bones so he is hard to keep warm and has to be swaddled and covered more than most babies. but he's doing well and getting stronger every day.

still... a mother's heart will not rest until her babies have some meat on their bones and it may be a while for phoenix.

after spending 3 days looking at phoenix and the other babies in NICU... i came home and looked and julian and emerson and wondered what their grandparents had been feeding them that they got so incredibly fat over 4 days time. :) they are so incredibly substantial and phoenix just feels so slight and well... insubstantial.

the boys are doing well. a little insecure. a little cranky. but mostly they are in love with their new baby brother and adapting as quickly as can be expected. i'm thinking that my biggest job over the next few months... besided feeding phoenix is going to be keeping julian from smothering him to death with love.

i'm struggling a lot right now with feeling insubstantial myself. but in a different way. definitely not physically... but as a mother... i feel so torn. there just isn't enough of me to go around and i think i'm coming to the realization that there never will be. i have to give as much as i can to each of these boys and then pray that God fills in my gaps. i am not enough... but there is no way i could be. knowing this doesn't make it hurt less that i can't be all things to all of my children... then again... if i could... that wouldn't be so good for them either. :)

but i love them all so much. and as much as this time is overwhelming and to be honest... i feel uncertain of how in the world i'm going to do this... i feel so blessed beyond measure with this little family of mine.

pictures coming soon.

we just signed emerson up for his first soccer team and they happened to need extra coaches so chris signed up too. i remember the first moment i found out i was having a little boy... these are the things i dreamt about. he doesn't have to be good at it... it's just the right of passage of this little son of mine and his daddy playing together and in doing so... learning something about life. i can't wait.

things are moving along fine. i have to admit i'm sort of hoping to have this baby soon. chris is pleading with me to stay as still as possibly and buy him more time. :) he's switching jobs this week and wants a couple weeks under his belt before he takes a week off. 2 weeks of bedrest... i think i may end up in the psych ward.

seriously though... it has been a sort of profound time. i have had several revelations about myself, my life and my family that only came from being backed into a corner of inactivity. the exact nature of these revelations is too private to talk about... but i knew God had something for me and i'm sure there is more to come.

i have my next ultrasound and testing session at osu on monday morning. it will be somewhat decisive since they will be able to really access whether phoenix is growing. will update then...

we had the second appointment at osu today. there are lots of details but the long and short of it is that there has been no change which is good. it means things are stable. the baby is still getting enough nourishment, heartbeat and responsiveness is good, amniotic fluid is low but not dangerous, abdomen is small but okay. so... i'm in a holding pattern. we just keep doing what we're doing. bedrest. monitoring. etc.

this time the doctor did say that if things continue to remain steady like this there would be a chance of carrying to term and starting labor naturally.... which is good... but the thought of being on bedrest for potentially 4 more weeks is not good. sigh........... i mean it's not the end of the world but.... it's hard. i'm trying to enjoy the rest. 2 weeks ago if you would have told me i'd get to sit around for weeks at a time i'd have felt excited. but it's also hard to have to be so dependent on everyone. i feel like such a burden. i'm tired of asking for things. and being so out of control. and i feel so ridiculous all the time because the truth is... i feel fine. just pregnant. so i CAN lift julian and carry him around and change his diapers and give him his bath. i CAN play hide and seek with emerson and walk him in to preschool and carry his bike outside for him. i CAN do the laundry and make dinner and mop the floor and go grocery shopping. But the doctor said not to. so i'm sitting here feeling ridiculous and lazy and parasitic. and it does weird things to my brain. it would be a lot easier if my leg were broken or i had had an injury and i physically couldn't do those things. it would be a lot more black and white.
so... i'm being obedient to my doctor. and my mom is coming over and basically doing everything i usually do while chris is at work.
i am in a terribly strange state of mind right now. on the one hand i feel so peaceful and relaxed... but i also feel sort of shut down and anti-social. i feel incredible love and longing for my children... but i just want them out of the room so i can stare at the computer. i feel serene and hopeful and irritable and agitated. it's like i want all or nothing. it's like i don't even know what i'm feeling or why i'm feeling it. i also feel so confused all the time. like the lying around is making my brain go weird... i feel like acting sick and lazy is making my brain feel sick and lazy. how do i keep my brain active and engaged while my body does the opposite? i'm trying to learn.
i have a feeling God wants to teach me something through this.
what, i'm not sure... but it'll come.
for now... baby phoenix seems to be doing fine and that's whats important.
i'm sure there will be more later.
ps... i posted a long comment response after the last entry.

things are non-eventful. lying down watching toy story II... again. sometime i will write my analysis of this movie since i've had soooooooo much time to think about it.

okay... here's something to blow your mind. my brother just stopped by and told me he had a dream last night that he thinks might have meant something.

in the dream there was a bright red phoenix sitting on a branch in a tree and on either side were vultures coming to kill the phoenix. but suddenly the phoenix turned and killed the vultures. (might have meant something!?!?)

subconscience or prophetic?.... interesting either way.

my fetal movement counts are coming out great every time. tomorrow we're back at OSU for a barrage of tests.

tonight i return home. i'm feeling a little depressed and not sleeping all that well and i just miss chris like crazy so i thought going home might help. my mom is going to come in the mornings and leave when chris gets home.

tomorrow will be telling and i will most definitely post after i get home.

okay... just back from another stress test at osu. everything looked good for today. so three more days of bed rest and fetal movement counting and then back to osu for another ultrasound and stress test on tuesday.

chris is furiously trying to get the house ready for the potential of an anyday baby... and he is being wonderfully supportive and sweet.

thanks so my mom and dad for letting us crash here and to joanne and frank for taking the boys today. i'm heading over there around dinner time to hang out and spend the night. musical houses for now. i just like to be where the boys are. even though i can't do a whole lot i like to be available for a snuggle on the couch, reading a book or watching a show together. i just want them to feel like i'm still available.

i'm trying to enjoy myself. who knew enforced time off would actually be difficult? but for months i've been longing for some rest. so i better start savoring it. it probably won't happen again for a very long time.

will keep updating.

ok... so here's the deal. had a level 2 ultrasound today at osu. there's a lot of details but the long and short of it is that they have caught the very beginnings of what is probably my placenta giving out... however... at this point baby is still getting nourishment and doing fine. he is small, lagging a bit, but not in immediate danger. the amniotic fluid is not what they would like to see... but it is enough for now. they feel that the benefits of sustaining the pregnancy outweight the risks at this point and would like to buy this little guy a couple more weeks inside if they can.

so.... the game plan is to monitor me a couple times a week with high level ultrasounds and non-stress tests. and the kicker... i'm on bedrest.

so... please pray first and foremost for the baby.

then pray for the logistics of two little boys who need a whole lot of care and lovin' and a mom who isn't supposed to move and a dad who is in the middle of switching jobs. sigh....

right now i'm at my folks and will probably be here until tuesday morning. not sure what next week holds yet.

thank you all sooooo much for your support and prayers. i love you church!!!!

feel free to call or email me with questions. i'm not doing a whole lot else. :)

issue # 1.... anyone out there have advice on an extremely strong willed child? i'm in waaaaayyyy over my head. good books? discipline that actually worked without creating more hysteria in parent or child? encouragement? i'll take anything. help me.

issue # 2..... you know that your world is getting way too small when you are spending a substantial part of your day considering the problematic points of toy story II. i think i'll plan a girls night out.