did anyone watch the final friends episode...? okay... what the heck? it was the final straw for me.

ever since rachel and ross had their baby... their lives have gone on like normal. nothing changed except that occasionally when they are hanging out leisurely at a coffee shop they have a completely docile and/or sleeping baby with them who never interferes with adult conversation, has a poopy diaper, needs to be fed or get's overtired and screams until you want to curl up into a fetal position and cry.

they hang out with friends, pop by their house, jet off to go on dates, go shopping, go to parties, get coffee, etc... without a thought of where the kid is. they never seem hagard or weary or tired or rumpled... they just have a fun little toy that they bring out when it's convenient for a joke or a plot twist. sigh........

and the finale... okay... i only saw part of it... but it seemed like there was an awful lot of running around and getting on and off planes and hanging out with friends...etc... in which there was no mention of baby.

am i wrong? i heard that saturday night live news said ..."new york couple arrested for child neglect when they left their baby alone for over 4 hours to work on their relationship..." and then they flashed a picture of ross and rachel. ha!

okay... i'm not naive enough to think that people are looking to friends or even television in general as a tutorial on real life... but it just irks me for some reason. the same way it irked me when they tried to portray phoebe or rachel giving birth and it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo way off the mark.

of course there are a thousand things that i could say are so unlike real life(like 6 adult people with professional jobs spending their entire days at a coffee shop)... but the child thing bugs me to death. why?... i obviously have some underlying resentment toward the culture at large for me to feel that irritated by friends. :)

and if i'm a little bit honest... i was sort of happy that ross and rachel were together again. sigh........ but only a little. :)

finished prisoner of azkabhan... the 3rd harry potter... terrific.

celebrated jt's 22nd b-day yesterday at my parents. chris cooked up a mess of ribs and chicken with a basil cream sauce. we all made side dishes and ate ourselves silly.

this baby inside of me is moving like crazy and i love it.

when i ask emerson if he has a dirty diaper now he always say... "nope. just gas." :)

when i change emerson's dirty diaper he repeats the whole time... "daddy do this better."

chris is working like crazy and i miss him more than i can bear.

i'm so tired my brain is short circuiting... can you tell?

last night i was looking at emerson sleeping before i went to bed myself. whenever i do that i am always overcome by love and i have to use huge amounts of self control not to kiss him and wake him up. i usually can't totally help myself and i give him a light feathery kiss on his cheek. just enough to feel his skin and only create a tiny stir.

anyway... i was imagining myself doing this when he's older. will i always gaze at him and feel the consuming love that i feel now. even when he's 12 or 16 or 25 or 40? my mom says she does. but not always as intense... but them moments come and there are waves of emotion. she told me about the other day when she was on the phone with christopher and he said something that was "so christopher" and tears just started streaming down her face and she was silent for a while while she composed herself. christopher said, "mom, are you there?" and she didn't let on and went on with the conversation.

i was thinking about emerson getting older and what i dread most about it. (there are so many things that i look forward to...) but i just had this really clear thought that what i fear most about his growing up is the awkwardness that comes with age of receiving love.

i mean... now i can say... "i love you so MUCH!" and grab him and hug him hard and kiss him all over. and he just takes it in stride. it's normal. it's what mom does. it's what he expects.

but when my parents tell me how great i am and how much they love me and are bursting with emotion over me... i feel awkward and deeply moved and conspicuous and teary. i know my mom was just like i am with emerson when we were little. plus i feel this need to somehow let them know how special they are and to match their love.

i fear the loss of the unabashed and wreckless expression of emotion that i have now.

updated name list...

julian, sawyer and wesley. (emerson is pulling for sawyer... "me like that sawyer."

today was one of those days that i was just tired to the bone and i could literally feel gravity sucking me down into a prostrate position. i felt so incredibly huge all day. like my stomach was just this gigantic mass threatening to topple me over any time i stood up. and then i thought... "oh my gosh. i'm only half way through this pregnancy. i'm not going to make it. there's no where left to grow!"

but i know this baby will find a way to press out my belly until it's inconceivable.

now for a snack and then to bed.

okay... i've done it. i've crossed line and bought my son hot wheels tennis shoes that light up when he jumps. sigh.... but i can't say i regret it. not yet at least.

you see, the thing is... before i had kids i watched my mom friends buy their kids all these wacky shoes with cartoon characters on them and i'd think... "not when i have kids... no way. my kids are going to have cool clothes. none of this disney crap."

how things change.

we went into target and sure.... there were some nice normal hip little tennis shoes. old navy is right down the street and they've always got very subtle sporty little shoes. and famous footwear is on the other side and they're so cool they even have little converse. ... but as we purused the shelves... and tried on several pairs... i just couldn't not show him the hot wheel shoes. i just felt like i'd be betraying him. i showed him all the normal shoes too and tried to make them appealing... but in the end... the joy he felt over putting those light up race car shoes on and running up and down the aisle just left the coolness factor in the dust.

i no longer care. my little boy thinks i bought him the best shoes the world has to offer. he wakes up in the morning and the first thing he wants to do is put on his shoes. yesterday he even insisted on putting them on right out of the tub... naked in hot wheel light up shoes. somethin' else.

anyway... the thing is... i just get a high off of his joy.maybe that's what's really "cool".

in honor of mother's day...

a book review for The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued by Anne Crittenden

Many mothers have long suspected that they're getting the short end of the deal--and finally, a highly respected economics journalist proves they're not just griping. Despite all the lip service given to the importance of motherhood, American mothers are not only not paid for all the work they do, but also penalized for it. "The gift of care can be both selfless and exploited," writes Ann Crittenden in this intrepid and groundbreaking work. Motherhood is dangerously undervalued--it's now the single biggest risk factor for poverty in old age. Mothers lose out in forgone income if they stay at home, an inflexible job market makes part-time work scarce or inadequately paid, and in the case of divorce, they're refused family assets by divorce laws that don't count their unpaid work.

Crittenden is fond of pointing out the hypocrisies plaguing America, and one is the belief in a welfare state enabling single mothers. The true welfare state, she says, protects paid workers from unforeseen risks through social security, unemployment insurance, and workman's compensation. Mothers who work part-time or not at all have no such safety net and typically take a nosedive into poverty, along with their children, after divorce or the death of their spouse. Married working moms are also punished--they pay the highest taxes on earned income in America. Crittenden's impassioned argument is based on research in a variety of fields, from economics to child development to demography. She shows how mothers were demoted from an economic asset to dependents, why welfare for only a certain group of mothers bred bitterness among the rest, and why there is currently an exodus of highly trained women from the work force.

Crittenden also travels far and wide for solutions. She finds them not only in such European nations as Sweden--which has abolished child poverty by giving mothers a year's paid leave, cash subsidies, and flexible work schedules--but in the U.S. military, which runs the best subsidized child-care program in the country and knows the value of providing special benefits to those who selflessly serve their country. Ultimately, Crittenden insists, the equality women have been fighting for will only be achieved when mothers are recognized as productive citizens creating a much-needed public good--human capital, or in layman's terms, well-raised children who grow into productive, law abiding citizens (and who pay into social security). This is an admirable--and charged--defense of motherhood, reminding us that unpaid female labor is "the priceless, invisible heart of the economy," and those who engage in this labor deserve the same rights, and the same respect, as other workers. --Lesley Reed

well... i finally got to sleep around 2:00am last night. :( but my darling husband let me sleep until nearly 10:00 so it all worked out. once i fell asleep... i slept so deeply that i woke up early in the morning to find emerson snuggled up soundly sleeping in my arms. i have no recollection whatsover of him coming to our bed or getting in. plus he was on the outside of the bed and when he comes to our bed... which is rare now except for occasional early morning snuggle time... i always put him in between us so he won't fall out. i must have been so conked out that he just climbed in and i embraced him in my sleep. anyhow... it was a very sweet way to wake up.

good day. family story time at barnes and noble. lunch with palmer at aladdins where the waiter is always so nice to emerson. even let him come push the buttons on the cash register with him! then home for naps and some down time. dinner outside on the picnic tables with the weirs. jeff and brian stopped by to show off jeff's new scooter and joined us.

now chris is at the gallery hop with moishe and i wish he'd hurry home because i miss him.

reading the second harry potter book right now. read the first a couple of years ago. i really enjoy reading juvenile literature from time to time. it's like rowing a boat with the current. it feels wonderfully smooth and relaxing.

anyone want to buy a land rover? great condition. great price.