i usually don't post because there are just too many things to write about on any given day.

what do i want to write about today? what really surfaces in my mind as the crown jewel of my day? ...

spent time with karen this morning which was so refreshing and wonderful. disgorged a gazillion thoughts on her about marriage and motherhood and depression and identity and God and neurosis... and she listened and commented and challenged and encouraged and teared up and laughed... and i felt lighter and more whole walking out her door. thanks karen... i would have stayed all day if i could have. (she even tried to make me role play once to get me to see how silly i am).

julian was angel boy today. he is usually not. in fact he has been somewhere on the other side of the spectrum for some time. he is beautiful and precious and i love him so much... but he has been a terror. the whining and the constant demands to be held and carried and the whining and the pickiness and the whining and the contant empyting of drawers and cabinets and baskets and trashcans and the whining... sigh. did i mention he whines a lot?

yesterday i thought i might just lose my mind. then... last night he slept all night long, in his own bed until 7am without so much as a whimper. (this may sound very uneventful to most of you... but those of you who know me.... hallelujah, glory!) when he woke up he was calm, sweet, cuddly and terrifically peaceful. he went down for his nap like he'd been looking forward to it all day... slept for 3 hours and then woke slightly more agitated but still at a normal level. ahhhhh.....

the best part of it was just getting to enjoy him for a day. usually my feelings about julian are a little ambivalent... today he was a delight. and i needed this day to remind me of the sweetness of this little boy.

emerson was sweet too. but he usually is right now. last month was another ball game. kids just go through phases. and it always passes and things get easier and then harder again and then easier... but when your in the middle of a phase... it can feel like prison. and especially because it's never really clear what exactly your supposed to do to parent them through it. this has been a surprising part of parenting... none of us know what the heck we're doing! and by george... my parents must not have either. :)

tonight when i put emerson to sleep... i read him a story and then laid there with him for a few minutes. i turned my head and looked at him and he was grinning ear to ear. i said, "what?" and he said, "just smiling." "why?", i asked. "because i just love you." what a sweet heart. and to think only moments before i yelled at him for not letting me put a vapor patch on his chest. oh the unconditional love.

they haven't learned to hold grudges yet. thank God... cause i'm still sorting out so much in my own heart and i mess up a lot. luckily... even though i yell and lose my temper and get irritated when i shouldn't... they know i'm crazy about them and they know i'm here. they are also lucky that they're mommy had a good example of a mommy who apologized for those things. i apologize to my kids a lot. it doesn't let them off the hook to be respectful or obedient... but it shows them that i'm human and that i'm willing to deal with my own humanity. admission and repentance. i've often thought of my parents and commented that i think one of the greatest gifts they gave me as christian parents wasn't their lack of sinfulness but the example of what we do with our sin. but this is a post in itself isn't it.

i once told emerson that God gives mommy time outs too. it's true. :)