oooohhh. i saw oprah a few months ago and gwyneth paltrow was on talking about her new baby and she said... "i just never knew i could feel so guilty all the time."

yes. me too.

and the thing is... just between you and me... i think i'm a pretty great mom. but it doesn't keep me from drowning in guilt all the time. sucking in big choking mouthfuls of guilt and going under unable to see the surface. drenched and waterlogged in anxiety about my own inadaquacy. sigh...

so... i finally asked for prayer last night from a few gifted, insighful, powerful women. really good move. REALLY good move.

it was one of those times when God just comes to you in a personal, powerful, tangible way and speaks something very simple... something that you already knew but speaks it in the way he spoke the world into being. it's not just words... it's creation. inside me.

and what did he create? freedom.

and he's so sweet and imtimate with me. it was as if he was teasing me... saying... "chels, YOU don't make or break emerson and julian. i do."

and i had this very real and very cleansing encounter where some of the guilt was drained and my feet are still wet... but i'm definitely breathing. i'm definitely not underwater anymore. i am above the surface. and oh, how sweet it is.

thanks God.