spent the weekend at my parent's house. it's so wonderful to have a haven to retreat to every now and then. although sometimes going there ends up more painful because i walk in the door and the safety of being there brings everything to the surface. it's as if i walk in the door, say hello and then crash because there is someone to catch me and protect emerson from my unraveling.

i suppose it's good for me to be able to do that every now and then... but sometimes just having to hold it together is good too.

anyhow... i was changing emerson's diaper this week and as i was lifting his legs up to slide the new diaper under him, he let out a little gas. i looked at him surpised and laughed to which he responded... "i had a burp on my bottom!" thank God for emerson and the joy he brings to my life.

i am also starting to get really excited for this new little boy (who, it has been decided, will be named julian). anyway... julian will be here in about two months. not soon enough for me. i have started sorting everything out... getting out all the baby clothes, wiping down the baby equipment, etc... a few people are coming to help me put together the crib and new dresser that the dellesky's so graciously picked up for me at ikea. thank you delleskys. and in no time we will be all ready. it's a wonderful thing to focus on.

i must confess that i'm a little nervous moving into a post-partum period with so much depression and sadness weighing on me anyway... i am nervous about emerson's adjustment when i already feel like my emotional reserves are thread bare and now i'll have two people picking at them. still... at the very basis of all of it... i believe that this little boy has been planned for much longer than i knew he existed and that he will be a messenger of joy and peace for both emerson and i.
for that reason i think his middle name will be asher. it means happiness. and asher in the bible was a child over whom God promised abundant and blessed life. it is my way of marking the things i feel God has promised to me before they have come to pass.