the boys just left. i have all day to get ready for chris' birthday party tonight... by myself. sigh......
i can't remember how to clean without someone continuously in my way.
it's very quiet in here.

today is emerson's birthday and he chose Northstar for breakfast. good taste for a four year old. i had the breakfast burrito... sweet potatoes, black beans, eggs, cheese... chris had a mushroom fritatta and emerson and julian shared ricotta pancakes and a blueberry smoothie. yum.

emerson has a horrible ear infection. he had two shots on wednesday for which i put our relationship in jeopardy. had to hold him down while two nurses punctured his legs with huge needles all the while listening to him scream... "get your hands off of me!" sigh... he cried the whole way home and layed on the couch all night watching super friends and whimpering from time to time. i could tell he felt betrayed... no matter how many times i tried to explain to him that i did it so that he'd be better. his bottom lip would just stick out and quiver and he'd say, "i don't want that ever to happen to me again."

i couldn't help think of God. parenting sure is eye opening. how often we feel abandoned, betrayed, wounded and can't comprehend any goodness or kindness in the one who is supposed to care for us. all we feel is "i hurt." and yet... emerson had no where to go but into my arms. feeling betrayed and angry... he still layed in my arms and wept. and though i had "caused" his pain... the only antidote was my love. interesting.

well, he was better for a few days and last night he woke up crying. chris ran to his room and when he didn't seem to be calming down i got up too. i went in and leaned over him, "honey, what's wrong?"... he answered me with a well executed smack across the face. ??? restraining his hands i said again, "what's wrong?" and he got more and more hysterical. finally, i said... "mommy is right here. want me to lay down with you?" and he layed right down and quieted.
after a couple hours he woke up crying again. i couldn't figure out what was wrong. then i saw him hold his ear. "sweetheart, does your ear hurt?". at which point the fist came flying again. "stop hitting me right now! i'm trying to help you. tell me what's wrong." he kept repeating that he didn't know. i watched him tug on his ear and said, "are you afraid to tell me that your ear hurts because you think you'll get another shot." many tears. that was it. i held him and promised that the rest of the medicine would be by mouth. gave him tylenol and helped him to sleep.

oh this delicate balance.

so... this week julian has taken a bite of deoderant, the tip of a marker, crayola crayons, chap stick, hair pomade, candy wrappers, soap, and emerson's butt in the bathtub. (yeah... uh... keep out of the reach of children... not so much.)can't get the kid to try half the dinners i make but... deoderant... hey, why not?

well... i better get cleaning.

gotta have something to show for my day alone with the house. :)