it's been nice blogger. i've really always wanted to be with LJ. i've just finally found the strength to leave you. you will always be my first. goodbye.

www.ckmama.livejournal.com

come up and see me some time.

well. i lost my pass word for a while when it changed to google. not sure what happened. i never claimed to know what i was doing.
life is good. so, so good. i love our house. i love my husband. i love my children. i love my neighborhood. i love my church. i love my family. i love my friends. i'm feeling really very overwhelmed with God's grace and blessing in my life.
i tend to live in the constant awareness of how little i deserve what i have. my reaction is to be guilty and/or fearful because i feel like a little kid whos misbehaved all day long and in spite of it has been given an ice cream cone. but i expect God to be sitting there scowling and muttering and saying... "you better be lucky i'm nice." and i sort of have this feeling, now that i have my tongue in the middle of this glorious mountain of ice cream that i had better not make a wrong move because as soon as i do the ice cream is done. and i sort of can't totally enjoy the ice cream because i know i shouldn't have it and i think it might be snatched away any minute. i don't know why i think like that. its not really what i believe God is like. he's never treated me like that before. in fact, quite the opposite.
but my sweet husband... we were laying in bed discussing this the other night and he said, "see i just think. wow! i'm totally messed up and he still gave me all this. amazing! and then i enjoy it." he has a really good grasp on both his brokeness and God's incredible grace. i think i really get my brokeness... but i'm a little foggy on the grace. not for you. just for me. (i know... its pride in disguise. i've heard it. don't tell me.)but anyway... chris is like a little boy who's been ornary all day and then gets an ice cream cone and thinks... "yes! my dad's the best!" and then laps it up. and he might smile sheepishly and snuggle up and then giggle and then offer a lick. and the mercy to him is exactly what it is. mercy. and he accepts it. and it makes him better.
me? as soon as i get mercy... i start trying to prove i can live up to it.
all that said... this life i've got? its been an incredible excercise for me in understanding grace. its a good good life and i don't deserve it. but i love it. and i'm enjoying it more every day.

did i say within the week? i did, didn't i?

well - here goes. it'll have to be short.

we bought a house today. it's a sweet little house in clintonville and i feel so thankful quite frankly a little nervous. okay - a lot.

so... you may not hear from me this week because i have to pack our home while singlehandedly taking care of three kids. why? because chris is being a hero and refinishing the basement before we move in next week so that our kids have somewhere to play.

funny kid quote of the day (julian, age 2) "I'm freaking out, dude!" (said to me in the beginning stages of a tantrum over getting in the bath.

poignant kid quote of the day (emerson, age 5 who has been having a bit of anxiety over the move) "mom? i'm not nervous anymore." (said to me on the phone from the new house where he went over to check it out with daddy)

wish us luck...... we're gonna' need it to make it to the other side of this month.

hi...
so a few people have said that they have been checking my blog in vain for months now. and can i just say... i am so flattered! as if something i have to say might be funny or interesting or insightful enough for you to come back week after week and check!? thank you my faithful readers for sticking with me throughout this blogfamine. thank you my loyal audience... ahem... ok... well just you jess. this post is for you.
there is soooooooooooo much going on. in the most exciting of all news... LUCAS DELLESKY has joined the world. jamie and teddy were kind enough to allow me the privelege along with lyndi and sheila of being present as he arrived... he is beautiful and strong and sweet. jamie was amazing and made me so proud to be her friend. she is a strong and beautiful woman with a soul that is bigger than the space her body takes up. she radiates spirit.
we are currently in contract on a house in clintonville. hold your breathe. say a prayer. knock on wood. cross your fingers.
emerson was accepted at indianola alternative elementary school. my number one choice for him. yay!
we need to sell a piano. we need to buy a bunk bed. anyone have one/need one? we will be selling many other items at a garage sale slated for next weekend but a little tentative assuming that our sellars don't walk in the next week. :) (i'll let you know) come see us and buy our extraneous material possessions so we can fit into a little bitty house and also afford to refinish the basement so its not as little bitty.
hmmm... what else? phoenix is almost a year old. (what!?) but only about 17 lbs. sigh. he's tiny and astonishingly cute. (okay... no one has said that exactly but i know they're all thinking it.)
the teenage mutant ninja turtles have taken over our house.
out of curiosity and vanity... how many of you actually do check to see if i've written? if there are more than five of you i will write again *within the week*! if there are less... well then... i can't promise anything.
it's 9:30pm and since i have to get all the boys fed, cleaned, dressed and to church in the morning by myself since chris is playing guitar and since i have to read every night before i go to bed even if i'm exhausted and since i really like my current book and will probably read far longer than i mean to and since i will be grouchy mama if i'm overtired in the morning and since i feel guilty and do not sleep and cry to my husband while he tries to sleep when i am grouchy mama and since phoenix refuses to sleep past 11:30pm or so when he wakes up and demands to uses my body as a pacifier and screams at me when i try to give him an actual pacifier and since i am too weak and emotional and guilt ridden to ignore him and make him cry even though i swore i would this third time.... i had better go to bed.

nighty night night.

okay. so i haven't posted for three months. that probably gives you some idea about how my life goes these days.

it is hard and it is good. so good. i don't think i've ever had a thanksgiving more thankful than this. life is so sweet right now that i want to cry thinking about it. and life is so hard right now that i want to cry thinking about it. but you know what... sweet wins. what tears appear are mostly ones of gratitude and fullness. i am satisfied with the lot i've been given in life. not satisfied as in... "it is satisfactory"... satisfied as in... "i've just eaten a huge meal and i'm satsified."

i am full with the richness of life.

but right now... my 2 older ones are at grandmas and my youngest is asleep and i am chronically exhausted... so this post will have to wait. hopefully not three more months. :)

ok.

ok.

the dust is settling now. (looks around cautiously. inhales. pause. slow exhalation. shoulders slump. smile gradually spreads across face.)

i think... i think... i'm happy again. at least i feel happy again. still tired. still overwhelmed. but happy.

plates still spinning. sometimes crashing down in pieces all around me. but not the important ones. i've got the expensive rare china spinning fast and steady but the cheap garage sale plates are in pieces and it's okay.

sometimes i think in these terms. i get up in the morning. put on a load of laundry and think. laundry plate: spinning! look at the sink full of dirty dishes spilling onto the counter and think... dishes plate: crashed to the ground. hey... a girl can only do so much.

the last three months have been hard. this little reprieve is welcome.

i know it'll get hard again. (in fact... chris leaves for new york tomorrow and will be gone for a week.) but for now the world is filled with light. i think i'll soak it up.

okay... well... the babies are asleep and emerson is waiting for me to come to his imaginary pet store and make a purchase. better go buy a pet.

got everyone in bed and to sleep. i always feel mildly heroic afterwards. especially this week while chris is out of commission.

the day was good. mostly. i took the boys to cosi because i couldn't stand being in this house another day and we all needed a dose of fun. we bought lunch there and stayed for half the day. the boys all did great and i felt good that we made it out with no help and everything went smoothly. .... except.... julian fell asleep in the car and didn't transfer and wouldn't go back to sleep... so - no nap.

oh well. you win some, you lose some.

i'm tired and i've still got laundry to do before bed. better go soon.

one thing... last night i had this thought... i live life sort of like i'm at a car lot and someone comes to me and says kindly, "listen i want you to have this car for free. take it. it's yours." and it's this beautiful shiny brand new luxury car. but instead, i look around... see an old used rusty junker with the muffler hanging down and no rims and say..."i'll take that one instead and there's no way i'm not paying."

it's a poor analogy. we've been doing a lot of buying and selling and looking at cars lately... whatdaya gonna do? still... it fits.

i don't really know how to let God forgive me. or not totally anyway. i mean i want to pay for my sins a little bit.

hearing adrienne at the women's retreat, speak about jesus coming and breaking the sin off of us... my involuntary response was... "i can't let myself get away with that." it shocked me, this thought. i use self condemnation and guilt as a way of paying for my sins. and i do a poor, poor job at it because the tab is getting bigger by the minute and i'm broke. you see, i'm realizing that i better let someone else foot the bill. not because i don't deserve too... just because i'm incapable. but easier said than done.

i think i might have been a good catholic... penence is comforting to me. trouble is... i don't believe in it. i live like i do... assigning myself every increasing acts of reparation... but in my heart i know it doesn't work and may even be sin in and of itself. what irony? my attempt to pay for my sin... may just be sin.

anyway... why is it that the older i get the more i realize what a mess i am?

my theory is that the closer i get to Jesus the more i see his holiness clearly and the farther i seem to fall short. so in essence... when i was farther from jesus i felt better about my "self"... the closer i am to jesus.... the worse i feel about my "self". and yet the closer i get... the more loved i feel and the more content i am and the more i see the real me emerge.

this isn't coming out at all right.... but there it is.

i know, i know. i know all the right answers. i know the scriptures. but that's how it is... we know one thing in our heads and one thing in hearts. and sometimes get them both on the same page is awfully hard.

hooray!!!

phoenix didn't wake up to eat until 4:30am! i went to sleep at 10:30pm... so this is more consecutive hours of sleep than i've gotten in over three months! and neither of the other boys woke up either. yay! feeling much more sane. sorry i'm so complain-y on here... i won't promise anything else though. :) i sort of need a place to get it out so bear with me.

some things that made me smile... emerson likes to play with phoenix and talk to him using the same high-pitched airy voice that i do. this morning i came in to see him bent over the bouncy seat sayin...(in high squeaky baby talk voice) "you're a human aren't you phoenix. aren't you. yeah... you're human. that's right." and then later... "you yuv your big brother don't you little guy."

julian has finally started to call him something other than baby... he's settled on "weenick". cute.

alright must jump in the shower while i can. baby is asleep, julian is watching buzz, emerson's downstairs watching clifford and i'm gross and groggy. mama needs to luxuriate in hot running water for a few minutes before i try this again.