saturday night my husband threw a birthday party for me. i turn 30 on wednesday. he spared no expense. i felt incredibly loved. he shipped the boys off for the day and set up an appointment for me to have my make up done by a professional stylist. my sweet brother, christopher, came over and gave me a new rock star haircut which i loved and needed because i was feeling rather "momish" and frumpy and huge. i shaved. (an infrequent event) put on a cute dress and boots. the whole thing felt like "a make over story". christopher picked me up for the party later which was at chris' super mod studio in the arena district, and walked me upstairs where i entered a room full of my closest friends, elegant flowers, flickering votives and hip music. there was a bartender serving mixed drinks and wine. a table filled with sumptuos gourmet delicacies beautifully presented... cajun shrimp, italian cheeses (one layered with black truffles, brie topped with honey and almonds), proscuittio and nut encrusted pork tenderloin, roasted peppers, portabella mushrooms, asparagus with a savory sauce on the side, and two huge bowls of tiramisu... all prepared by his sicilian friend and chef - deborah. i surveyed this extravagance and felt overwhelmed that it was all for me. then the surprise... around the corner came my little brother JT who recently moved to LA and who i have missed very much. (chris had flown him in for the party.) the great part of this was that the day before i broke down crying to chris because i felt his absence so pointedly with the party coming up. chris put his arm around me and said he was sorry - all the while having already purchased his ticket.) wow! good poker face, honey!
it was terrific to have my family all there.

so anyway... the party was great. everyone had fun, ate generously, drank well and it was lovely. i didn't get to bed that night till 1am which i am still trying to recover from... but hey... you only turn 30 once. (pregnancy and two little ones makes you chronicly overexhausted as it is. 1am is almost idiotic for me.)

mostly, the night was symbolic and healing... i think for many people. last year, this time, things were very different. this year God's redemption and power was evident in the entire evening.

i have a wonderful husband who adores me. and knows me. somehow knew that more than any material possession what i wanted was my little brother to be there even though i never mentioned it until after he'd seen to it that it would happen. how did he know that? except that he has learned to understand my heart and see me in a deeper way than i had ever hoped for.

and i have wonderful friends who made me feel so honored and fussed over.

i feel rich in every way.

on a slightly different note... the lack of sleep and the busy week have led to one tired mama. i am tremendously worn out and my body is starting to send me signals that it's not pleased. that it's had enough and is strongly considering resignation. last night i woke up all night with such severe cramping in my stomach that i called out to jesus to help me. julian woke up at 4am. yes four am. of all days.and that was after fitful sleeping in general and lots of neediness and kvetching throughout the night. between the cramping, juian's fitfulness and emerson's potty trip, i felt like i'd barely slept. luckily the boys and i had spent the night at my parents to hang out with jt and christopher a little more and my mom (who was hotflashing and awake) took him and sent me back to bed. my stomach was sore and aching. it has continued to ache off and on all day especially when i lift julian or am on my feel for a long time. yikes. not sure what to do. have tried to rest and lift very little. all day hoping that tomorrow i will be miraculously back to my supermommy self. :) wishful thinking? i'm afraid so... i think i need to start living like i'm really very pregnant. but how do i do that with two little boys who need so much of me and a huge house that already feels chronically torn apart.

please pray for me that God would strengthen my body. but that he'd also give me creative ways to rest. pray for me to balance caring for my two sweet boys as well as myself and the one inside. pray for my boys that they'd have patience and grace beyond their years. and that God would help them to feel secure... especially julian who wants to be held pretty much all day. and emerson too who is still so dependent on my affection and attention throughout the day. pray that i'd really see the priorities of life and that the house would take it's place near the bottom. and for chris who has already been carrying a heavier load than usual. thank you friends.