okay so here is what happened. well first let me preface this by telling you what happened last time i was pregnant... when i miscarried.

i went to see my midwife and she was attempting to find a heartbeat. i was 11 weeks. she was trying forever to find it and kept saying things to try and help me relax. "well... we're not totally sure on timing, you know. so maybe the baby is smaller than we think." so finally after an agonizing five minutes or so of exploring every inch of my stomach she said, "you know what, let's just get out the ultrasound machine and have a look. maybe the baby is too little." i knew it wasn't.

so this time... i go in. chris and emerson were with me. and i'm lying down and we start the drill again. she says... "now sometimes it takes a while so don't panic." i giggle nervously. after a few minutes she still can't find the heartbeat. i'm starting to panic. she is saying reassuring things which make me feel more paniced because it resembles the last time. i am starting to plan what i will do when we find no heartbeat. i am thinking, "i can't believe this is happening to me again. i don't believe this. i am so stupid. why did we tell emerson... oh my gosh, emerson. i can't totally lose it in front of him. i'll ask chris to leave the room with him so i can cry for a few minutes and then i'll just have to pull it together." then is the kicker... she says, "you know, maybe your uterus is just not big enough to have lifted totally out of your pelvis. let's just get out the ultrasound machine." i couldn't even answer her. right as she ended her sentence she said..."oh wait. wait." and suddenly, clear as day was the "woosh, woosh,woosh, woosh" of that beautiful sound. a heartbeat loud and clear and strong. tears streamed down into my ears and we all just listened. she said,"You just tell me when you've heard enough." i wanted to just ask her if i could stay all day. "when's your next appointment. how much time have we got?" but instead i said, "thanks. that's good." and she turned it off with a gentle smile. she said... "i was never worried. but i know there was nothing i could say to make you feel better in that moment."

on the way home i felt exhilerated. the funny thing is that had we not had a few moments of hanging in the balance, i don't think that i would have appreciated the final result nearly as much. it was like this one christmas when all i wanted was a nintendo and i would have been so happy just to get it... but instead my parents created this intricate plot to make me think i wasn't getting it and then when i did... i was on top of the world. cruel? i don't think so. maybe if it happened every day. :) (you're not going to get dinner... wow! look dinner!)
anyway... this is getting much too deep and off track. anyway... the whole experience seemed like this microcosm of our whole life right now. hanging in the balance and not knowing how things will end up and choosing to believe that in the end we will see a heartbeat.

so there you go.